Memories... Like Mom Made!

Memories... Like Mom Made!
Out of dark moments, flowers grow.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

I have been slowly making progress.

I have to say, getting back into sewing and "creating" has been a very healing process for me.

And of course my son... He is my bright light. He heals me a little more with each hug, each kiss, each shout of "Mama!!"

He is my angel on earth.

Today (well, at this point it was actually yesterday), my husband, Landon, and I went to a nearby town to shop. We went to World Market, which I absolutely love.

We can spend WAY too much time in that store.

We had been shopping and carrying on, laughing and joking and talking about all the different items and where we could use them.

Then I saw this gorgeous aged metal rose hook. It was the most simple of things: yet somehow this tiny item caused me to break down in public... which is one thing I try so hard not to do...

It caught my eye and I instantly started chattering to my husband about it: "Look honey! Isn't this the cutest thing you've ever seen? These would be perfect for Leila's ro-".

I froze.

My heart stopped in my chest.

And then I broke down.

I had to walk away for a minute and I just sobbed.

Right in the middle of the store. With people staring at me like I was some crazy lady.

I didn't know what to do.

I just cried.

For the first 3 weeks after Leila passed away, I wouldn't even step foot in her room. I couldn't.

I was terrified that going in there would solidify reality.

I would have to face that fact that my daughter would never step foot inside her very own room.

It would just be... a room... again. Not her room anymore.

But we still call it "Leila's Room"...

A couple of weeks ago, my dear friend Kaylee came home from the boat. She had been out to sea (oh that military life) when Leila passed away. We were going to ask her to be Leila's godmother, but we never got the chance to make it official.

Leila's passing was especially hard on her. She had such a special connection to the two of us: she had been with me through almost my entire pregnancy. She had pretty much bought Leila an entire wardrobe before I even hit the halfway mark of my pregnancy.

When Kaylee came home she was suddenly plunged into this new reality... Her best friend wasn't going to be having the much anticipated little diva in May. The little diva had already come and gone, without getting to meet her "Aunt Kaylee" once. As soon as we saw each other we both broke down sobbing. She kept saying "I am so sorry... How did this happen? Why did this happen?... I am so sorry." And we cried.

It was with Kaylee that I went in to Leila's room for the first time since all this happened.

Together we sat down in the midst of Leila's blankets, stuffed animals, presents, and dozens of keepsakes from the hospital. We went through each one: touching the things that had touched her body, smelling them, crying into them.

I can't imagine another person I would have wanted to do this with. It wasn't easy, in fact, talking about it makes my heart rip open once again. But it was a step.

One tiny step forward.

And that's all I can do...

Continue to take baby steps forward... Even though I occasionally get set back, like in the store today, I am so blessed to have support from people like Kaylee, and my wonderful husband and precious son, to keep pulling me forward.

1 comment:

  1. Virginia,
    Its okay to cry. Crying is a healing process. Don't worry about what others think about you because most of them have not been in your shoes. I am praying for you and your family. Hope that you can continue to take tiny steps forward.