Memories... Like Mom Made!

Memories... Like Mom Made!
Out of dark moments, flowers grow.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Knot In My Throat...

Last night Landon and I were video chatting my parents. He was being as cute as always. He loves to show off to anyone, but especially his grandparents!

Well Leila was mentioned. And whenever someone asks about baby sister, Landon always does the same thing. He throws back his head and points up.

This time was a little different... Landon pointed up, but then ran to the windowsill where I have three pictures of Leila resting. He carefully picked up the middle picture of her, which is my favorite because the frame says "SWEET BABY: wonder, hope, and dream of possibilities", and he ran back to the computer and held the picture up for them to see.

We all had tears in our eyes. He showed them the picture of his baby sister and said "My baby! My baby!" He pointed up and said "Baby night night." Then he kissed her picture and sat it down.

I had this lump in my throat the size of a golf ball as I swallowed and blinked through my tears. He never got to hold her. All my friends have these "big brother" pictures of their firstborns in the hospital holding their baby brother or sister. But I will never have that picture. Not of Landon and Leilani.

He loves and adores her so purely. There is no jealousy or selfishness in his love for her. He loved her as soon as we told him that Mommy was pregnant and in several months he would have a baby brother or sister. And when we told him that he was having a baby sister, we took him to the store and let him buy her a present. He bought her many things: a cute bunny blanket/stuffed animal, a stuffed Bunny he made at Build a Bear, a little stuffed dog. He adored her, and he never even got to meet her.

When I was still pregnant he would talk to her through my belly. He would give her kisses and tickle her, and even try to feed her through my belly button.

He was going to be the world's greatest big brother.

And he is...

But I wonder if he really knows it. Or if he thinks Leila is just this beautiful picture to look at.

This is probably one of the parts of my reality I struggle with the most. It has been so hard watching Landon and knowing that he never got to see her.

When laying Landon down for his nap today he hugged his glow-worm (which he carries around and calls Leila and says is "his baby") and asked for his baby. I told him he could talk to her and see her in his dreams. He popped his little head up so fast and said "My baby? Yeah?" I choked through the knot and my throat and said "Yes bubba. You can play with Leila in your dreams." He closed his eyes and smiled. I really hope he does. I hope he does see her and hug her and kiss her and play with her in his dreams. Then, when he wakes up and I kiss him and hug him tight, I will be hugging a little piece of her, too.


  1. I hope this poem touches you. I read your blog today and then I saw this poem and it made me think of you!!!
    I'm An Angel Now
    Author Unknown
    One night I cried to Jesus
    As I sat beneath the tree;
    I looked up into the open sky
    And hoped He'd answer me.

    "I'm lost dear lord...
    I've traveled far but still I seem to roam;
    Please light the way and lead me, Lord,
    I need to get back home."

    I told him of my burdens
    And of the sadness in my heart;
    That from his gracious love
    I'd never felt so far apart.

    "Why did you take my child, Lord?
    I cannot understand!
    No longer can I touch her face
    Or hold her tiny hand."

    "I'm angry, Lord... I'm missing her,
    I'm drowning in my sorrow;
    Please help to heal my yesterday
    And face each new tomorrow."

    It was then I heard her gentle voice
    And felt her presence near;
    How I wanted so to hold her
    As I cried another tear.

    She said "Mommy, I'm an angel now,
    My spirit will be free;
    I'm an angel now in heaven,
    So please don't cry for me."

    "I was chosen by our Lord above
    And now I'm in His care;
    Whenever you need me,
    Just look inside your heart;
    I promise to be there."

    "No one can ever take away
    Our bond with one another:
    For I'll always be your precious child,
    As you will always be my mother."

    "So if you cannot find your way
    Or the road to home seems far;
    Just look up to the Heavens
    And I'll be your guiding star."

    She said "Mommy, I'm an angel now,
    My spirit will be free;
    I'm an angel now in Heaven...
    There's no need to cry for me."

    Praying for you!!!

  2. Thank you. That is very sweet. I appreciate your kind words so much.

  3. Virginia,
    I was reading through your blog and just wanted to tell you my heart aches for you.I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our 7 month old daughter almost 5 years ago in an accident. It has been by far the worst possible thing I have ever had to live with. The guilt,pain,anguish that I live with every day. I could never understand why me? why our baby? Things have slowly moved on and we have had to deal.That's the only thing we can do,is deal. We now have a 3 year old daughter Payton. She has been such a blessing.It hurts my heart to know that Payton and Kamdyn never met. Payton is starting to understand who the baby in the pictures are,I tell her that is her big sister Kamdyn..She just says "aw,that's my baby,can she play with me?" It's going to be so hard as she gets older. I have a nephew who was born around the same time as Kamdyn and now Landon is going to be starting kindergarten,makes me heartbroken to know all the things that we have missed out on,our 7 month old tiny baby would be starting school this year.It's just not fair,life isn't fair,but for now we deal with it,live it and cherish every moment with Payton..take care and I wish you comfort..Cari Rose

  4. I can't even finish reading right now.. I got to baby night night and I can't even see to type..

  5. Landon is so sweet! I'm with June on this one... Can't see to type!