Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Happy Two Months My Angel...
Happy doesn't feel like the right word.
I'm not happy about facing this day alone.
With empty arms.
Two months ago today I was laying in a hospital bed, an IV dripping magnesium into my body in an effort to stop early labor.
All morning I felt the contractions... Around 8am they finally hooked me up to a machine to measure the contractions I said I felt... The machine couldn't register them, but still I continued to count them all day, Donovan watching the clock when one would begin.
Around noon or so Donovan left to go back to town and see Landon. The doctors still weren't convinced I was in actual labor so we carried on not realizing the severity of the situation at that moment in time.
Around 1:30pm a very sweet nurse came in and gave me a "bed bath". We talked about how she had lost a child several years ago. She gave me a hug after I was all cleaned up and told me that she knew it wouldn't happen to me and that she would be praying.
We still had no idea that I was actually in active labor.
Toward the end of my bed bath an ultrasound technician came in with a big fancy machine and started checking on my sweet baby girl.
The images I saw on that machine were the last I would ever see of my baby girl safe in my womb.
The last images I would see where she wasn't fighting for her life.
She was just kicking. Waving. Flipping. Swimming.
She was perfect.
But she was coming.
The ultrasound technician kept pressing on my belly, trying to get a better look. She kept making those noises that everyone dreads hearing a doctor make.
She paged my doctors and a flood of nurses and doctors came pouring in to the room.
One doctor jumped up on my hospital bed and checked to see how dilated I was.
Her words sent me into a panic.
"I can feel her. She's coming down...
You are having this baby NOW."
I started shouting "No! It's not time! Please no! Please put her back! Please sew me shut! PLEASE!... Save my baby, please."
I was sobbing uncontrollably.
I knew this wasn't good.
I called my husband and told him to get here as soon as possible.
I called my mother and begged her to pray.
I updated my status on facebook and asked everyone to pray.
And within an hour, I was the mother to a gorgeous, perfect, but very tiny baby girl.
I was so scared to see her for the first time.
I can't even describe that feeling. I wanted her more than anything, I wanted the perfect pregnancy, the perfect delivery, the perfectly healthy, plump, pink baby. I was so scared to see her and know that she wasn't "normal".
But when I finally laid eyes on her, I was completely and totally in love.
My throat tightened and tears came pouring out of my eyes, but I was so incredibly proud of her.
And so in love.
So incredibly in love.
Today my daughter would be two months old.
I don't even know what else to say.
Except that I wish I could see her now. I wish I could hold her. I wish I could dress her up in a special outfit and take pictures of her.
I wish I could see her smile. I wish I could watch her fall asleep on her daddy's chest, or laugh at her brother's antics.
I wish I had insomnia because I was up all night feeding my newborn. Not because I was up all night crying over the loss of my daughter.
I wish I had a million diapers to change and stains to get out of onesies and cute pink outfits to wash in the laundry.
I wish I had a baby to nurse and snuggle and kiss.
I just can't believe it was two months ago today that I met her. That was one of the happiest yet scariest days of my life.
Happy Two Months, Leilani Marie. Mommy loves you. Mommy misses you.
I hope you are happy. I pray that you are living in a world of light and of no pain. I hope that you can see how much love you have here. I hope you can feel it where you are.
I love you, Always.
The first and last time I would ever hold my sweet baby girl. Rest in peace my Angel. I love you.