Moving Forward, One Step at a Time

That's all there is to it.

I miss her.

I miss a lot of things.

I miss being pregnant. I miss being able to blame things on pregnancy...

Boy do I miss that one.

I miss being so confident in her ability to thrive.

I was so sure she was going to make it. I wouldn't let any negativity set me back. I just kept believing in her strength. Believing in the strength of this tiny little person. I felt invincible... so sure that nothing would break apart our perfect little family.

I miss that feeling.

That feeling of completeness.

When I was pregnant, my husband and I would talk about how happy we were that Leila was going to be a part of our family. That we loved our little family the way it was, but that something was missing.

And that Leila would complete us.

How do I move on from that? How am I supposed to handle these emotions?

Am I incomplete now? Is my family going to recover?

I don't know.

I think the answer to both those questions is yes...

With time our little family will heal. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will be ready to add to our family again.

And God willing, maybe this baby will survive.

Am I incomplete?

Yes.

There is a gaping hole in my heart and I feel it in everything I do.

I find myself imagining that she had survived... That she just turned two months old and that she was laying in her hammock next to me...

Then I wake up and reality hits me hard.

I feel numb all over.

I am not torturing myself. At least not intentionally.

I imagine that these are natural thoughts and feelings for someone going through what I have gone through, though I don't know for certain. Grief is so different for every person.

So individualized.

So am I handling my grief the right way?

I don't know.

But I am doing the best I can.

I am keeping busy. I am "crafting" every chance I get.

I have been redoing and ripping apart and painting and sewing everything I can get my hands on.

I think about Leila with every thing that I do.

But not always with sadness.

Sometimes I imagine that she likes what I am doing... I know she wasn't old enough to have a particular taste, but I imagine that she does.

Pretty much I imagine that she likes everything that I like...

She is my own person Angel cheerleading squad...

I have recently started a business. I make and sell extremely unique and custom handmade rings, necklaces, headbands, purses and so much more. You name it, I will make it. Or at least, I will try.

I decided to use the colors and patterns from Leila's room as my business theme and colors. Everything to do with my business (my logo, business signs, even my business card holder and display racks) are all hot pink, black and white, and damask patterned.

She is with me in every thing I do.

Even Landon loves helping Mommy with the new business... Tonight as I was laying out hot pink buttons (that I spray painted), he kept saying "I help! Here you go mama! I help!"

He is such a light in my life.

Such a beautiful little person.

And he's mine.

Just like my angel, he is my own little cheer leader...

The only difference is, I can hear him.



Here is some of the stuff I have been working on for my business, "Decked Out".

A beret I made from a tshirt with rosette clippies.

A beret I made from a tshirt with rosette clippies.


A rosette headband made to a customers style request.


A gorgeous one of a kind handmade ring.


A custom made bib style necklace.


A purse made from a recycled book.

This is only the beginning of what I have been up to!

Check me out at my business page!

Thankfulness.

Lately I have been so focused on my own pain from losing my daughter that I have forgotten how lucky I really am.

I have a beautiful healthy son who is alive.

Sure, my heart aches every day over the loss of Leila, and sure my pain will probably never go away.

But my son is healthy, and happy, and loving.



And he's here.



About 3 weeks after Leila died a friend sent me a link to this blog. At first I just read the blog and cried for this couple.

I felt their pain. So deeply. Our daughters passed away in different ways, but the pain is still so raw, so intense, so...

indescribable.

I have prayed for the words to take away their pain, just as others have tried to comfort my husband and me. The words have never presented themselves, because they don't exist.

But this woman... She is incredible.

She has exhibited this kind of strength that I only wish I could possess. She has thrown herself into her new role in life with as much positivity as anyone could possibly face it with. She hurts everyday, but she somehow manages to push through the sadness and find the beauty in the world.

Today they asked that everyone that reads their blog take their own children out into the sunshine and play with them, while telling them about Maddie.



Yesterday, we released two balloons in to the sky for our own baby. She would have been two months old.




I didn't realize until today, but there was one for our Leila, and one for Maddie. I like to think the Leila would have shared.




It was rainy and windy and the world felt as sad as I did in my heart. But today, we laughed and played in the sunshine for Maddie, and it felt like she was smiling on us from Heaven.



Landon may only be 2, but he is wise beyond his years. I told him that Leila has a friend in Heaven named Maddie. He nodded and said "babies." I said "Yes, babies. They are playing together." Landon said "Babies night night".

Leila and Maddie are together, playing in Heaven. I truly believe that. My daughter is not alone in her eternal resting place, and I am not alone on earth. It breaks my heart that other women, like Kellie, have had to experience this pain, but her strength reminds me that I am not the only one, and that I have to push forward.

Thank you, Kellie, for reminding me of that. I will continue to pray for your peace, and every day I will kiss my beautiful son and thank God for allowing me to have one healthy baby, even if He had to claim the other.

Happy Two Months My Angel...

Happy doesn't feel like the right word.

I'm not happy about facing this day alone.

With empty arms.

Two months ago today I was laying in a hospital bed, an IV dripping magnesium into my body in an effort to stop early labor.

All morning I felt the contractions... Around 8am they finally hooked me up to a machine to measure the contractions I said I felt... The machine couldn't register them, but still I continued to count them all day, Donovan watching the clock when one would begin.

Around noon or so Donovan left to go back to town and see Landon. The doctors still weren't convinced I was in actual labor so we carried on not realizing the severity of the situation at that moment in time.

Around 1:30pm a very sweet nurse came in and gave me a "bed bath". We talked about how she had lost a child several years ago. She gave me a hug after I was all cleaned up and told me that she knew it wouldn't happen to me and that she would be praying.

We still had no idea that I was actually in active labor.

Toward the end of my bed bath an ultrasound technician came in with a big fancy machine and started checking on my sweet baby girl.

The images I saw on that machine were the last I would ever see of my baby girl safe in my womb.

The last images I would see where she wasn't fighting for her life.

She was just kicking. Waving. Flipping. Swimming.

She was perfect.

But she was coming.

NOW.

The ultrasound technician kept pressing on my belly, trying to get a better look. She kept making those noises that everyone dreads hearing a doctor make.

She paged my doctors and a flood of nurses and doctors came pouring in to the room.

One doctor jumped up on my hospital bed and checked to see how dilated I was.

Her words sent me into a panic.

"I can feel her. She's coming down...

You are having this baby NOW."

I started shouting "No! It's not time! Please no! Please put her back! Please sew me shut! PLEASE!... Save my baby, please."

I was sobbing uncontrollably.

I knew this wasn't good.

I called my husband and told him to get here as soon as possible.

I called my mother and begged her to pray.

I updated my status on facebook and asked everyone to pray.

And within an hour, I was the mother to a gorgeous, perfect, but very tiny baby girl.


I was so scared to see her for the first time.

I can't even describe that feeling. I wanted her more than anything, I wanted the perfect pregnancy, the perfect delivery, the perfectly healthy, plump, pink baby. I was so scared to see her and know that she wasn't "normal".



But when I finally laid eyes on her, I was completely and totally in love.

My throat tightened and tears came pouring out of my eyes, but I was so incredibly proud of her.

And so in love.

So incredibly in love.



Today my daughter would be two months old.




Two months.

I don't even know what else to say.

Except that I wish I could see her now. I wish I could hold her. I wish I could dress her up in a special outfit and take pictures of her.

I wish I could see her smile. I wish I could watch her fall asleep on her daddy's chest, or laugh at her brother's antics.



I wish I had insomnia because I was up all night feeding my newborn. Not because I was up all night crying over the loss of my daughter.

I wish I had a million diapers to change and stains to get out of onesies and cute pink outfits to wash in the laundry.

I wish I had a baby to nurse and snuggle and kiss.

I just can't believe it was two months ago today that I met her. That was one of the happiest yet scariest days of my life.




Happy Two Months, Leilani Marie. Mommy loves you. Mommy misses you.

I hope you are happy. I pray that you are living in a world of light and of no pain. I hope that you can see how much love you have here. I hope you can feel it where you are.

I love you, Always.

Mommy.




The first and last time I would ever hold my sweet baby girl. Rest in peace my Angel. I love you.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

I have been slowly making progress.

I have to say, getting back into sewing and "creating" has been a very healing process for me.

And of course my son... He is my bright light. He heals me a little more with each hug, each kiss, each shout of "Mama!!"

He is my angel on earth.

Today (well, at this point it was actually yesterday), my husband, Landon, and I went to a nearby town to shop. We went to World Market, which I absolutely love.

We can spend WAY too much time in that store.

We had been shopping and carrying on, laughing and joking and talking about all the different items and where we could use them.

Then I saw this gorgeous aged metal rose hook. It was the most simple of things: yet somehow this tiny item caused me to break down in public... which is one thing I try so hard not to do...

It caught my eye and I instantly started chattering to my husband about it: "Look honey! Isn't this the cutest thing you've ever seen? These would be perfect for Leila's ro-".

I froze.

My heart stopped in my chest.

And then I broke down.

I had to walk away for a minute and I just sobbed.

Right in the middle of the store. With people staring at me like I was some crazy lady.

I didn't know what to do.

I just cried.




For the first 3 weeks after Leila passed away, I wouldn't even step foot in her room. I couldn't.

I was terrified that going in there would solidify reality.

I would have to face that fact that my daughter would never step foot inside her very own room.

It would just be... a room... again. Not her room anymore.

But we still call it "Leila's Room"...

A couple of weeks ago, my dear friend Kaylee came home from the boat. She had been out to sea (oh that military life) when Leila passed away. We were going to ask her to be Leila's godmother, but we never got the chance to make it official.

Leila's passing was especially hard on her. She had such a special connection to the two of us: she had been with me through almost my entire pregnancy. She had pretty much bought Leila an entire wardrobe before I even hit the halfway mark of my pregnancy.

When Kaylee came home she was suddenly plunged into this new reality... Her best friend wasn't going to be having the much anticipated little diva in May. The little diva had already come and gone, without getting to meet her "Aunt Kaylee" once. As soon as we saw each other we both broke down sobbing. She kept saying "I am so sorry... How did this happen? Why did this happen?... I am so sorry." And we cried.

It was with Kaylee that I went in to Leila's room for the first time since all this happened.

Together we sat down in the midst of Leila's blankets, stuffed animals, presents, and dozens of keepsakes from the hospital. We went through each one: touching the things that had touched her body, smelling them, crying into them.

I can't imagine another person I would have wanted to do this with. It wasn't easy, in fact, talking about it makes my heart rip open once again. But it was a step.

One tiny step forward.

And that's all I can do...

Continue to take baby steps forward... Even though I occasionally get set back, like in the store today, I am so blessed to have support from people like Kaylee, and my wonderful husband and precious son, to keep pulling me forward.

Mama's Gettin' Crafty! Easy Peasy Dress...

If you haven't already figured it out, I LOVE things that are homemade.


But that doesn't just apply to the kitchen. I love anything that we can make or do ourselves to save a buck, reduce our carbon footprint, or improve our quality of life by lessening the chemicals and preservatives we are exposed to...

Et cetera, et cetera...

Well ever since Leila passed away, I have been desperately trying to find different things to keep myself busy. To keep my mind busy so that I won't dwell on what is tearing me up... But I realized that that is probably not the best way to handle my emotions. So instead I have been reverting back to one of my first loves: sewing. I have always found some kind of rhythmic therapy from the clicking of the sewing machine and the monotony of sending fabric through the machine... And something else I learned... I can cry and still keep a straight line.

Very therapeutic.

So this morning I woke up well before the time I normally do... I ACTUALLY got to take a shower while Landon still slept... Boy that was amazing... Showers are therapeutic too. I tend to save most of my tears for the shower. It's very cleansing, no pun intended.

So this morning, after I took an uninterrupted shower, it seemed that Landon was still very much asleep.

So I decided to give myself a task:

To see what I could come up with in 30 minutes or less using solely items from my "sale or donation" box...

Side note: this box will probably never make it outside my door. I keep digging in it for "materials"...

Okay so I pulled out a very teeny tiny T-shirt that has an awesome blue, silver, and black graphic print on it. I LOVED this shirt in college, but over time the shirt just got shorter and shorter and got to the point where it just looked ridiculously obscene on me...


But I mean, come on! Just check out that awesome bird graphic! It's epic! I really love the screen printing on this shirt... And ironically, birds are very in this season! So it is the perfect time to reinvent this little shirt!

The other shirt was a black cap sleeve shirt I wore once when pregnant with Landon... I had Landon in December of 2008, if that tells you anything... I would have continued to wear it, but honestly the style wasn't all that flattering, and the material was so delicate that it had a little rip in it.

So I cut the top off of the birds shirt... First, I put on the shirt and measured to about 3 inches below the bottom of my bra line. I stuck a pin in it horizontally to mark the point, then took off the shirt and laid it flat on my table.

I then cut at the marked point all the way around the shirt.

Next I took my other shirt. This shirt already had some gathering and serging on it so it pretty much took care of some of the work for me. If you have a shirt that you can utilize that has an empire waistline or already has gathering in it, then you will want to cut your fabric so that you can take advantage of that line. I left about 1/4 inch above the gather line so that I would have something substantial to hold on to while pinning, then after I sewed I trimmed it back.

Ok so after you cut both parts of your dress, put the top shirt inside of the skirt, with the rough edges facing you. This means the bottom of your "skirt" and the shoulders of the "top" will be facing the same direction, and the two cut edges will be facing you.

The top shirt should be right side out, inside of the skirt. The skirt will be inside out. This way the two "right" sides of the dress will be touching, so when you sew your skirt in place and put it on, the skirt will fall over the sewn edge. No lining required!


See how the serged edge is lined up to the cut off shirt edge? This will all be hidden when you get done sewing!


Ok so now is the "tricky" part.

Oh and I want to take a second to apologize for not taking pictures throughout the whole process... But I was more concerned with finishing before Landon woke up rather than making a tutorial... It wasn't until I put on the dress and realized how awesome it was that I went "Dang! This would have been an awesome tutorial!"

Well, I am sure I will do it again, so I will take better pictures then...

Actually it's not hard at all, but it will take a little planning to make it perfect.

Line your two pieces up starting at the seams. Both of my tops had side seams, so it made a congruent line that was easy to keep in tact. Just lay the two side seams flat on top of each other and pin. Then pin the other side the same way.

You will probably have more slack in your skirt garment than in your top. This is where you will need to think ahead. If you want to have definite pleats in your skirt, you can "pleat" the extra fabric. I wanted to gently gather the skirt fabric without having to sew and gather separately (which would be the "correct" way to achieve this, but remember my 30 minute time limit?).

So I started pinning 3 inches away from the side seams and gently "gathered" excess fabric and made a mini pleat. I only had an excess of about 5 inches to allow for, so my pleats were hardly noticeable, but it did make for an easier time of sewing, rather than sitting down at the machine without a plan and whizzing away on the skirt, to then end up with a ton of extra fabric and one GIANT pleat..

Planning is almost always a good way to go...


Anyway, so finish your pinning, then sit down at the machine and start sewing. Sew as close to the original gather line as you can, removing pins as you go.

When you are finished, trim the excess, them turn your dress right side out and try it on!



Now if you have a lot of extra fabric left over from the top or bottom of either shirt, you may want to make a band. I did not have much fabric leftover, so I just threw a belt over the seam line and it made for a nice congruent look.



Gotta love 30 minute projects!

Enjoy!

The Knot In My Throat...

Last night Landon and I were video chatting my parents. He was being as cute as always. He loves to show off to anyone, but especially his grandparents!

Well Leila was mentioned. And whenever someone asks about baby sister, Landon always does the same thing. He throws back his head and points up.

This time was a little different... Landon pointed up, but then ran to the windowsill where I have three pictures of Leila resting. He carefully picked up the middle picture of her, which is my favorite because the frame says "SWEET BABY: wonder, hope, and dream of possibilities", and he ran back to the computer and held the picture up for them to see.

We all had tears in our eyes. He showed them the picture of his baby sister and said "My baby! My baby!" He pointed up and said "Baby night night." Then he kissed her picture and sat it down.

I had this lump in my throat the size of a golf ball as I swallowed and blinked through my tears. He never got to hold her. All my friends have these "big brother" pictures of their firstborns in the hospital holding their baby brother or sister. But I will never have that picture. Not of Landon and Leilani.

He loves and adores her so purely. There is no jealousy or selfishness in his love for her. He loved her as soon as we told him that Mommy was pregnant and in several months he would have a baby brother or sister. And when we told him that he was having a baby sister, we took him to the store and let him buy her a present. He bought her many things: a cute bunny blanket/stuffed animal, a stuffed Bunny he made at Build a Bear, a little stuffed dog. He adored her, and he never even got to meet her.

When I was still pregnant he would talk to her through my belly. He would give her kisses and tickle her, and even try to feed her through my belly button.

He was going to be the world's greatest big brother.

And he is...

But I wonder if he really knows it. Or if he thinks Leila is just this beautiful picture to look at.

This is probably one of the parts of my reality I struggle with the most. It has been so hard watching Landon and knowing that he never got to see her.

When laying Landon down for his nap today he hugged his glow-worm (which he carries around and calls Leila and says is "his baby") and asked for his baby. I told him he could talk to her and see her in his dreams. He popped his little head up so fast and said "My baby? Yeah?" I choked through the knot and my throat and said "Yes bubba. You can play with Leila in your dreams." He closed his eyes and smiled. I really hope he does. I hope he does see her and hug her and kiss her and play with her in his dreams. Then, when he wakes up and I kiss him and hug him tight, I will be hugging a little piece of her, too.

Bacon Parmesan Penne

I know what you are thinking:

I somehow managed to combine three of my all time favorite things in to one dish...

Now all it needs is some leeks and then it would be perfect...

Oh boy... That would be awesome. I am definitely doing that next time.

Okay anyway, Bacon Parmesan Penne. This is a delicious recipe that I borrowed from The Pioneer Woman's website. Except I tweaked it a bit... you know, for the sake of the art, man.

Well anyway, I am pretty sure I stumbled on to something amazing. And I am pretty sure you will agree.

Here goes:

Bacon Parmesan Penne

1 lb bacon, fry it up, chop it up, set it aside
crushed red pepper flakes
1 lb penne
1 tsp minced garlic
1/2 block cream cheese, (4 oz)
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup parmesan (the kind in a can)
4 eggs
freshly ground white pepper (or black if you just don't have it)
1 small carton grape tomatoes (maybe it's a lb? I don't know!)
olive oil

Ok so you have your fried and chopped bacon draining on a paper towel. Sprinkle the bacon with some red pepper flakes... NOT TOO MUCH! Literally a pinch or less.

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil and cook your pasta according to the directions on the package.

Line a cookie sheet with foil. Drizzle it with olive oil and spread it around (or spray the sheet with cooking spray) and dump your tomatoes onto it. Pop in the oven to broil for about 5-10 minutes, or until they get nice and roasted and pop open. Yum! If you are in a hurry or using the oven for something else, you can dump them into a microwave safe baking dish (greased, of course) and pop them in the microwave on high for about 3-4 minutes. When they pop open, they are done. Set these aside... Maybe next to your bacon? They can hang out together.

Meanwhile, put your garlic into another large pot with a tad bit of olive oil and cook over medium heat until fragrant. Then add the cream cheese and the cream and cook, stirring frequently, until the cream cheese is melted. Then add the Parmesan and white pepper. Stir until it makes a creamy sauce. Remove from heat.

Beat your eggs in a small bowl (I used a 2 cup measuring cup). Add a large spoonful of the hot sauce mixture and mix well. The point of this is to raise the temperature of the eggs without cooking them, that way when they hit the hot sauce mixture they won't turn in to egg drop soup. Because in this recipe, that would be yucky.

Okay so keep adding spoonfuls of the sauce until you can feel the side of the cup or bowl and it isn't super cold. I probably added a total of 3/4 cup. Now carefully whisk this in to your sauce.

Now dump in your cooked drained pasta, your bacon, and your roasted tomatoes and toss... Gently!! You don't want to end up with pasta all over your cook top!

Sprinkle with plenty of Parmesan cheese. We used fresh grated (not the can.. the real stuff!) But the can stuff works great too.



Wasn't that an easy and impressive dinner?

Oh and did I mention that it makes enough to serve an army? Yeah... it's definitely not just a two person recipe. In fact, if you are just cooking for two, I recommend dividing the entire recipe in half.

It does make terrific leftovers though. I even mixed in a squirt of Tuscan Italian salad dressing to mine today to "change" the flavor a bit. I bet a spoonful of pesto would make a nice change as well. Or you can just enjoy it for the honest deliciousness of the original... It's just that good!

:) Happy eating!