Memories... Like Mom Made!

Memories... Like Mom Made!
Out of dark moments, flowers grow.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

To My Leila

Today you are six months old.

Today you are half a year old.

I can't even comprehend what this means. Six months ago I lay on a hospital bed, unable to speak from the tube that had been down my throat, and the anesthesia that made me so groggy, and all I could do was motion the universal sign for baby. All I could think about was you.

Perfect little, tiny, precious you.

And today you are six months old.

But I can't hold you today. I can't put a pretty dress on you and fix a big bow in your hair or take your picture.

Because you are in Heaven.

It has been five and a half months since you left us and I still have to remind myself that you are gone. That I will never get to put bows in your hair, or make you tutus, or play dress up with you.

But you are still my daughter.

My precious, sweet angel baby. With the long skinny legs and fingers and toes.

And I love absolutely everything about you.

The only thing I don't love is that you aren't here.

I would give anything just to kiss you on the forehead, smooth the hair on your head and snuggle you close. I would give anything to sing you a lullabye and rock with you back and forth, back and forth.

I would even give anything to have to wake up at 2 in the morning and change a diaper and nurse you back to sleep.

But no matter what I do, I can't change that fact that Heaven is your home, and Earth is mine.

For now.

But one day, only God knows when, I will be with you again.

And I will put bows in your hair and smooth the hair on your head and kiss your forehead.

And I will sing to you.

For eternity.

I love you so much Leila. I wish there was more I could say to you, but I don't even know how to put it all in to words.

I just really miss you. And I love you.

And I wish you were here.

Happy birthday my sweet angel.



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