Rainbow Baby: Week 12

12 Weeks Pregnant

Weight: 170 pounds

Waist (at belly button): 35.5”

Hips: 43”

Bust: 38”

Total Weight Gain: -3 pounds so far

Baby’s Heart Rate: Stays around the 160s

Baby is measuring 6 days ahead, so though according to my due date I am still 12 weeks, according to the baby's growth, I am 13 weeks tomorrow!

Number of times I get up in the night to pee: I had been staying pretty steady at 1-2, but last night I got up 4 times to pee, and downed an entire bottle of water each time…

Thoughts about growth: My belly is already starting to round out a bit. And my belly is already hard. It’s a wonderful feeling. I love rubbing my belly and knowing that my little Cupcake is probably squirming away from my touch, or doing flips in excitement. I am not surprised that my weight is starting to balance out:  I couldn’t eat at all for a while and now I finally can. And I have been eating a lot of carbs and sweets – comfort foods. So really, it’s no surprise I am starting to gain. Although, I have also been really sick the past couple of days, so I will find out for sure at my appointment tomorrow how much I weigh. Since I don’t have a scale, I just have to go by what I weighed at my last appointment… Which is semi accurate since I have an appointment almost every week!

How I am feeling emotionally: Doing better in the emotions department, though I still do weep a bit at random things. I have noticed that I am very easily let down these days. When something doesn’t work out as planned, I get a lot more upset than I normally would! I have also been very nostalgic lately. I look at pictures of Landon as a baby and I start sobbing!

How I am feeling physically: Still exhausted. I am doing better though. I have been taking naps each day when my son naps and it helps me get a second wind.

Cravings: Still craving lots of odd things. Spicy and sweet… And fruit. LOTS of fruit. And orange juice.

Things that make me green: Ground beef. Browning ground beef. Smelling browned ground beef. Red meat in general. Ugh…

Activity: Still trying to balance raising an active healthy toddler with limited activity to keep this baby safe. I am going to be on bed rest starting at 16 weeks. So I am really nervous about how that is going to go. Downright terrified, actually. I don’t know how to balance giving him the healthy activity he needs, while still laying horizontal to take the pressure off of my cervix. And I KNOW it’s going to be necessary, because I already feel the way I felt with Leila before I had her: like a bowling ball is pressing down on my cervix… I am nervous that the cerclage won’t work, so really our best bet is bed rest combined with the cerclage. If that means I have to be a bump on a log, I really don’t care what anyone else thinks, or how miserable and long my pregnancy is. If it’s for the health of my baby, then NOTHING is too much. Some people don’t get it, but then again, those are usually the people that have had healthy pregnancies and never faced a real threat like cervical incompetence or preterm labor. But all that matters is that I understand what I have to do, as a mother, to ensure my baby’s safety. I will not be that mom that doesn’t listen to the doctor’s orders and then loses my baby and goes “oh. Maybe I should have taken bed rest more seriously…” I will absolutely do everything in my power to keep this baby safe. No matter how hard that may be! I think I foresee a LOT of movies and Netflix in our future.

Doctor’s Appointments: I have one tomorrow, and had one last week. The doctor checked out the baby and did an ultrasound. Baby looks beautiful! So healthy and swimming around like he/she should be!

My surgery is coming up on the 20^th. I am nervous about it, but I know it’s the best shot we have at getting to the third trimester in this pregnancy. I am to at least make it to 32 weeks, but I would be thrilled to go further… Like 36 weeks!

Boy or Girl: Feeling a lot like I did with Leila now. So I am thinking girl. But I will find out soon enough, so I am just going to be surprised when I hear the news! I do still have this adorable vision of two little boys wearing matching outfits in my head… I would have a blast with that! And Landon would love a little brother!

Rainbow Baby: 9 weeks

Thursday I was officially 9 weeks pregnant, though according to the ultrasounds I was 9 weeks on Tuesday.

Here are the updates:

Weight: 166 pounds
Waist (at belly button): 34.5”
Hips: 43”
Bust: 38”
Total Weight Gain: -7 pounds so far
Baby’s Heart Rate: Stays around the 160s
Number of times I get up in the night to pee: about 1-2

Thoughts about growth: I can’t believe I am ALREADY SHOWING! Seriously! I already have a little belly pooch! I didn’t show with Landon until about 6-7 months (though I would push my stomach out all the time because I wanted to look pregnant SO badly!). And with Leila I did not get too big before I had her…. I would say I started showing around 4 months with Leila… I am 9 weeks. NINE weeks…. And I have already had significant growth in the belly area, and my bust and hips are feeling the growth too. I am really not too worried about weight gain though, since I have already lost 7 pounds. I know the inches are going to shift and change and my body is going to do its thing, I am just surprised that it is already happening!!!!

How I am feeling emotionally: Still a big bag of tears. I cry at EVERYTHING. I cried at a commercial the other day… It wasn’t even sad. It was that Target commercial with the adorable teacher and the hamsters… Yeah. I cried at THAT. I have no clue why. I guess I miss my kids and my class at the CDC… but who knows… I cried because I wanted sushi and left the commissary without buying it, then I cried because I was crying over something stupid… I cried because my son peed in the potty and I was so proud of him, but then I felt so bad because Donovan isn’t here to witness him be such a big boy. I cried into my dinner because I wanted to eat it so badly and couldn’t. Then when I finally was able to take a bite, I cried because it was cold. I cried because I was afraid my mom was getting irritated with me calling all the time and crying to her (though she is VERY sweet about my 5+ calls a day. Hi, Mom!!! Thanks!). I cried because sad things happened to people I don’t know back home (but I always cry when things like that happen… I can’t watch the news without bawling…). The irritability has toned down a LOT and the weepy emotions have turned WAY up.

Today marks 7 months since Leila passed away. Normally I would spend the whole day in my PJs, sobbing and stuffing my face… But I am starting to do better with all of the grieving related stuff. I miss her so much, but I kind of feel like she is with me. I just have to remind myself that this baby is growing inside of me for a reason. If Leila had been healthy and full term we probably wouldn’t have this baby now. So I need to just take it one day at a time and remember that God has a plan.

I did have a particularly rough day a couple of days ago though. I was watching Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress, which always make me cry, and it hit me: I will never get to do those things with Leila. I will never get to help her pick out her dress and fix her veil and wipe her tears as she gets ready to give half her heart and the rest of her life to one man… I never even thought about those things before. I thought about all of the baby and child related events I would miss, but I never thought about her adult life… It breaks my heart, but I just keep reminding myself that she is still with me through it all.

How I am feeling physically: Exhausted. I am beyond exhausted. I am sick as a dog and can’t keep anything down. For the past 24 hours I haven’t been able to eat anything and keep it down. I have even been throwing up water. I have a chicken pot pie in the oven and I hope I am able to eat it! I get to the point where I am so exhausted and weak from throwing up that I can barely lift my head up. But even with all of this, I am not upset about it. It’s kind of comforting to have these symptoms. It means my baby is growing and thriving. I welcome each and every symptom that gets me one step closer to meeting my Rainbow Baby.

Cravings: I crave EVERYTHING. One minute it’s chocolate cake with rich decadent frosting by the spoonful, the next it’s figs filled with caramel or goat cheese, asiago stuff olives deep fried to a golden brown, jalapeno poppers and buffalo wings… I had an overwhelming craving for dates the other day and called my Nana for her famous date bar recipe… I can’t wait to make them and eat the whole pan! The only problem is, with all of these cravings, actually EATING is the hard part…

Activity: As per doctor’s orders I have stopped my daily walks with Landon. I really miss our walks and the fun that we have on them, but the doctor just feels that too much unnecessary activity isn’t worth it in my position. And I am not about to ignore any warnings he throws my way. I am still pretty active throughout the day though. It’s unavoidable with a hyperactive toddler. I still do normal things like go grocery shopping and running errands, and that obviously involves walking, so I am not exactly laying on the couch waving my hand around for a servant to do everything for me. And every day, at least once, Landon and I push the coffee table out of the middle of the floor and dance like crazy to some loud music. It’s our favorite part of the day! With Donovan deployed, I am forced to be pretty self-sufficient: taking care of Landon and the house and my business while still keeping the baby’s health in mind… So yeah, activity is as low as it can be while still living normally. I do realize that I am going to have to be on strict bed rest after the surgery, so I am going to start preparing for that soon: making casseroles to freeze and trying to get ahead on orders for my business…

Doctor’s Appointments: My most recent one went very well. I got to meet my new doctor: the one that will be performing my surgery. I really like him and his views a lot. He seems to feel the same way I do about this pregnancy and the upcoming surgery. I will be seeing him again next week and from then we will be scheduling my surgery. The biggest goal of the next appointment is to make sure that all of the old blood has absorbed or passed. I had some more bleeding recently so hopefully all of it has passed. If it doesn’t pass on its own, I won’t be able to have the surgery. I haven’t really considered that as a possibility yet. After what we went through with Leila, I can’t accept the idea of continuing this pregnancy without the cerclage. Hopefully everything proceeds without incident. I know I will be much more calm after the surgery.
Oh! Another update: I have the same thyroid issue I had with Landon. My thyroid isn’t producing enough so I have to be on medication to help it produce enough for me and the baby. It’s pretty common so it’s not that big of a concern. I just have to go in every now and then for them to monitor my levels and make sure I have a high enough dosage of the medicine. Other than that, I am not taking any medication. Just my thyroid medication and the prenatal. I don’t do nausea medication because it never helped before, so I just don’t see the point in taking an extra pill if it’s not necessary to the baby’s health. I can handle the nausea, even though it sucks.

Boy or Girl: Last week I was convinced it was a boy. Absolutely convinced. My pregnancy this time has reminded me a lot of Landon’s. But then all of a sudden I started having girl feelings… And last night I had this really weird feeling wash over me and something in my head was screaming “It’s a girl!”… So who knows? I have a feeling, either way, I will be completely surprised! I am just so excited to meet this little person growing inside of me.



There is the bump photo. And YES, Landon is trying to stick my charger in his ear.

Rainbow Baby: 8 Weeks

Thursday our little Cupcake turn 8 weeks old (in utero).

I figure now is a good time to start weekly updates!

I have been keeping personal weekly updates since week 4, inspired by another mommy blogger here. This is the first one that I am sharing with all of you, so this is the one I made at week 4, about a week after we found out I was pregnant.

Four weeks Pregnant (7.21.11)

Weight: 173 pounds. This is really scary to me. After I had Leila in January I dropped down to 153 pounds. By the middle of February I was about 145ish. Then when I finally started eating normally again, it backfired on me and I shot up to this weight: 173… Oh man… Let’s hope it doesn’t get too much higher. My goal is to only gain about 10 pounds with this pregnancy. A lot of people say “OH BUT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GAIN!” and my reply is “I lost 20 pounds with Landon and only gained ten of it back before delivering, and even more with Leila. I am lucky if I GAIN anything.”
Waist (at belly button): 33"
Hips/butt (fullest part): 42" (yeah, I got curves... What can I say)
Bust (fullest part): 37"
Total weight gain: Zero
Average number of times I get up to pee per night: 1
Baby’s heart rate: Unknown at this point
HcG count: 250+ish… could it be twins? Only time will tell!


How I am feeling emotionally: I have been very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I watched the end of “WALL-E” with Landon today and instantly started bawling. Then I read Landon a book and started crying at the first sentence. Granted, the book was about deployment and my husband is gearing up to deploy soon, but still. Super emotional. I have also noticed that I have very little tolerance or patience. Usually I have endless patience with Landon, but lately I just haven’t had the energy to deal with things that I know will start fights (ie: “No, you may NOT have that cookie!” or “Yes, it’s bed time right NOW!”). So I have been kind of just avoiding the arguments that I know are just going to snowball until I give in anyway. Might as well just give him the dang cookie and tell him it’s the only one right from the start, rather than let it snowball until he is red in the face and screaming and I am huddled in the corner clutching the box of cookies and crying…. Oh and it doesn’t hurt that “cookies” in my house are Ritz crackers ;). Funny they things you can convince your kids when they are young.
And to be honest, there is an entire deeper level of emotions working on me… I am excited and happy, but I am also TERRIFIED! We wanted this pregnancy and this baby, and we feel so blessed to have it: our rainbow baby. Our rainbow after the storm, our silver lining. We are so happy, but so scared. There isn’t anything to say that we won’t go through the exact same we went through with Leila. I am supposed to be having a cerclage this time, but then again, I was supposed to have one last time. What if they refuse again? Then what? I am so scared, but I am trying to stay positive for our precious baby.
And the scariest emotion I am wrestling? Guilt. I feel guilty. I feel like I am “replacing” Leila. I know that no baby could ever take her place or erase her from my memory, but I still feel guilty. A lot of people don’t understand why we chose to conceive so soon. And I don’t expect them to until they have been in our shoes, and I wouldn’t wish what we have been through on anyone. But it’s pretty simple to explain: we wanted her. We were ready for her. We loved her so much and when she died, she left a little hole in our hearts. That hole will never be filled, but we still have so much love to give. And we still want a baby. And we still want Landon to be a big brother. And boy oh boy does he want a baby brother or sister.

How I am feeling physically: With Landon I felt the best I had felt in my life at this point in my pregnancy, even though we later found out my body was battling cancer while I was pregnant. I still felt amazing. I had (surprisingly) loads of energy and was always in an amazingly upbeat mood. But through all of that, I was vomiting like, every minute. It wasn’t “morning sickness”, it was “every minute sickness”. Everything made me sick. Even hearing the words “peanut butter” made me vomit. With Leila I was super sick as well. But it was even worse than Landon! So far with this one, I haven’t really had much trouble. Which actually WORRIES me rather than making me feel good. With Landon and Leila I always felt relieved when I would be throwing up… Almost like my intense sickness was reassurance that my baby was thriving. Is it weird that I long to be sick? It doesn’t hurt that I lost weight with both of my pregnancies because of my sickness.
Besides the lack of morning sickness, I feel pretty good for the most part. But I am having the random sharp abdominal pain that I had with Leila. If it doesn’t stop soon I am going to get checked out…. You know, because I am paranoid like that.

Cravings: I haven’t had a huge appetite, but I have been wanting things that are lighter and more “healthy”. Spinach, brie cheese with berries (don’t worry, it’s pasteurized, so totally safe!),

Aversions: Luckily so far nothing is making me nauseous. I am doing okay so far with food… that’s a big deal for me!

Activity: Taking it pretty easy. I am not taking any chances with this baby. At all. I am not officially on bed rest yet, and I probably won’t be on official bed rest until about 12 weeks or so. The school of thought is basically before 12 weeks, if you are going to miscarry there isn’t a lot that will stop it. It’s a scary thought. So hopefully we can make it through to that point, have the surgery, and then I will be on modified, or even strict, bed rest.

Doctor appointments: Had my “first” appointment where they checked my HcG levels, but didn’t meet with the doctor yet. That is coming up soon.

Boy? Or girl?: You know… I have no feelings. I have no guesses. I am just so blessed and happy to be pregnant, I will take whatever God sees fit to give us… I will make a really crazy prediction and say… both.. I mean, I can’t go wrong right? Boy or girl, I still win. So I am going to say “one of each”. On a side note, my son keep telling me that I have “nine blue babies” OR he will say I am having “two girl babies”… So I guess I should write Landon down for a guess of “9 boys, or 2 girls”.

Names: We had a boy name picked out for Leila (just in case) that we would love to use if we have a boy. It honors my brother and Donovan’s mom’s family. For the girl’s name, we want to honor Leila by keeping her middle name (possibly), and using a name that has “Lei” in it. I like Lorelei.



Okay. Update between the day this was written and now. A month has passed, and a lot has happened. There is a bit of TMI, so if you don't want to read this stuff, skip it.

My hcg levels sky rocketed for the next week. The doctor was even convinced I was having twins. A week from the day I wrote this 4 week update, my husband deployed. I had experienced a small amount of spotting the night before and didn't think much of it. A little spotting is normal, though still scary. The next day, about two or so hours after my husband deployed, I was standing in my kitchen chatting with a friend when I had a sensation equivalent to peeing my pants. All of a sudden I had liquid running down my legs and sticking to my leggings. I ran to the bathroom and found bright red blood. When I sat down, it gushed out. (Sorry for the over share, but I want to be sure to share all these details for people who may have a similar experience). I was terrified so I rushed to the hospital, leaving my friend behind with our kids.

They ran my levels and did an ultrasound and confirmed that the little cupcake was hanging on. I just didn't understand how I could still be pregnant after all of that blood. My doctor had a couple theories: it could be the edge of the placenta bleeding. It could have been implantation bleeding. It could have been the loss of one of the babies had I been having twins. It could have been a blood clot.

The biggest thing to keep in mind though, was that we had a strong baby holding on. That was all that mattered.

Over the next few days I continued to bleed, so my doctor had me come back a couple times to have my levels drawn again and monitor the baby.

The baby was still hanging on.

Another week went by and we got to see the heartbeat! The beautiful, gorgeous, STRONG heartbeat! 160bpm. This baby is definitely showing us he or she is here to stay. I was so relieved I wanted to cry. Which wasn't hard to believe because I have been crying at everything lately!

Another week passed and I had an appointment with my new specialist. He is wonderful. He is determined to help us have this baby safely. He performed an ultrasound and said that I still have a lot of blood in the uterus that needs to come out. He said that it did appear that there was another gestational sac that needed to pass, though he couldn't be too sure. As heartbreaking as that news is, I am still focused on the strong baby. Still focused on the fact that we have a healthy baby that is thriving.

That very night I woke up in the middle of the night to more bleeding. As much as the first time. It was terrifying, but I knew that it had to happen in order for this baby to be safe. All the bad/old blood needs to pass in order for me to have my surgery. The surgery that will keep this baby safely inside my uterus until *hopefully* 36 weeks!

Oh and a big change that happened VERY soon after I wrote my 4 week update: SICKNESS! I am nauseous at EVERYTHING! I can barely look at the kitchen without throwing up! I crave super comforting food like mashed potatoes and fried chicken and corn. Oh and chicken and dumplings. Gee whiz I crave chicken and dumplings!!! And SWEETS! Lots and lots of sweets!

So that's the update up to this point. I will post the more recent weight and measurement stats and all the emotional/yucky food stuff later.