Rainbow Baby: 9 weeks

Thursday I was officially 9 weeks pregnant, though according to the ultrasounds I was 9 weeks on Tuesday.

Here are the updates:

Weight: 166 pounds
Waist (at belly button): 34.5”
Hips: 43”
Bust: 38”
Total Weight Gain: -7 pounds so far
Baby’s Heart Rate: Stays around the 160s
Number of times I get up in the night to pee: about 1-2

Thoughts about growth: I can’t believe I am ALREADY SHOWING! Seriously! I already have a little belly pooch! I didn’t show with Landon until about 6-7 months (though I would push my stomach out all the time because I wanted to look pregnant SO badly!). And with Leila I did not get too big before I had her…. I would say I started showing around 4 months with Leila… I am 9 weeks. NINE weeks…. And I have already had significant growth in the belly area, and my bust and hips are feeling the growth too. I am really not too worried about weight gain though, since I have already lost 7 pounds. I know the inches are going to shift and change and my body is going to do its thing, I am just surprised that it is already happening!!!!

How I am feeling emotionally: Still a big bag of tears. I cry at EVERYTHING. I cried at a commercial the other day… It wasn’t even sad. It was that Target commercial with the adorable teacher and the hamsters… Yeah. I cried at THAT. I have no clue why. I guess I miss my kids and my class at the CDC… but who knows… I cried because I wanted sushi and left the commissary without buying it, then I cried because I was crying over something stupid… I cried because my son peed in the potty and I was so proud of him, but then I felt so bad because Donovan isn’t here to witness him be such a big boy. I cried into my dinner because I wanted to eat it so badly and couldn’t. Then when I finally was able to take a bite, I cried because it was cold. I cried because I was afraid my mom was getting irritated with me calling all the time and crying to her (though she is VERY sweet about my 5+ calls a day. Hi, Mom!!! Thanks!). I cried because sad things happened to people I don’t know back home (but I always cry when things like that happen… I can’t watch the news without bawling…). The irritability has toned down a LOT and the weepy emotions have turned WAY up.

Today marks 7 months since Leila passed away. Normally I would spend the whole day in my PJs, sobbing and stuffing my face… But I am starting to do better with all of the grieving related stuff. I miss her so much, but I kind of feel like she is with me. I just have to remind myself that this baby is growing inside of me for a reason. If Leila had been healthy and full term we probably wouldn’t have this baby now. So I need to just take it one day at a time and remember that God has a plan.

I did have a particularly rough day a couple of days ago though. I was watching Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress, which always make me cry, and it hit me: I will never get to do those things with Leila. I will never get to help her pick out her dress and fix her veil and wipe her tears as she gets ready to give half her heart and the rest of her life to one man… I never even thought about those things before. I thought about all of the baby and child related events I would miss, but I never thought about her adult life… It breaks my heart, but I just keep reminding myself that she is still with me through it all.

How I am feeling physically: Exhausted. I am beyond exhausted. I am sick as a dog and can’t keep anything down. For the past 24 hours I haven’t been able to eat anything and keep it down. I have even been throwing up water. I have a chicken pot pie in the oven and I hope I am able to eat it! I get to the point where I am so exhausted and weak from throwing up that I can barely lift my head up. But even with all of this, I am not upset about it. It’s kind of comforting to have these symptoms. It means my baby is growing and thriving. I welcome each and every symptom that gets me one step closer to meeting my Rainbow Baby.

Cravings: I crave EVERYTHING. One minute it’s chocolate cake with rich decadent frosting by the spoonful, the next it’s figs filled with caramel or goat cheese, asiago stuff olives deep fried to a golden brown, jalapeno poppers and buffalo wings… I had an overwhelming craving for dates the other day and called my Nana for her famous date bar recipe… I can’t wait to make them and eat the whole pan! The only problem is, with all of these cravings, actually EATING is the hard part…

Activity: As per doctor’s orders I have stopped my daily walks with Landon. I really miss our walks and the fun that we have on them, but the doctor just feels that too much unnecessary activity isn’t worth it in my position. And I am not about to ignore any warnings he throws my way. I am still pretty active throughout the day though. It’s unavoidable with a hyperactive toddler. I still do normal things like go grocery shopping and running errands, and that obviously involves walking, so I am not exactly laying on the couch waving my hand around for a servant to do everything for me. And every day, at least once, Landon and I push the coffee table out of the middle of the floor and dance like crazy to some loud music. It’s our favorite part of the day! With Donovan deployed, I am forced to be pretty self-sufficient: taking care of Landon and the house and my business while still keeping the baby’s health in mind… So yeah, activity is as low as it can be while still living normally. I do realize that I am going to have to be on strict bed rest after the surgery, so I am going to start preparing for that soon: making casseroles to freeze and trying to get ahead on orders for my business…

Doctor’s Appointments: My most recent one went very well. I got to meet my new doctor: the one that will be performing my surgery. I really like him and his views a lot. He seems to feel the same way I do about this pregnancy and the upcoming surgery. I will be seeing him again next week and from then we will be scheduling my surgery. The biggest goal of the next appointment is to make sure that all of the old blood has absorbed or passed. I had some more bleeding recently so hopefully all of it has passed. If it doesn’t pass on its own, I won’t be able to have the surgery. I haven’t really considered that as a possibility yet. After what we went through with Leila, I can’t accept the idea of continuing this pregnancy without the cerclage. Hopefully everything proceeds without incident. I know I will be much more calm after the surgery.
Oh! Another update: I have the same thyroid issue I had with Landon. My thyroid isn’t producing enough so I have to be on medication to help it produce enough for me and the baby. It’s pretty common so it’s not that big of a concern. I just have to go in every now and then for them to monitor my levels and make sure I have a high enough dosage of the medicine. Other than that, I am not taking any medication. Just my thyroid medication and the prenatal. I don’t do nausea medication because it never helped before, so I just don’t see the point in taking an extra pill if it’s not necessary to the baby’s health. I can handle the nausea, even though it sucks.

Boy or Girl: Last week I was convinced it was a boy. Absolutely convinced. My pregnancy this time has reminded me a lot of Landon’s. But then all of a sudden I started having girl feelings… And last night I had this really weird feeling wash over me and something in my head was screaming “It’s a girl!”… So who knows? I have a feeling, either way, I will be completely surprised! I am just so excited to meet this little person growing inside of me.



There is the bump photo. And YES, Landon is trying to stick my charger in his ear.

Leilani Marie Decker

About a month ago I wrote about how I was going to be a "better blogger" and post new recipes almost every day, blah blah blah...

And that didn't happen.

I am sure you are wondering why that didn't happen. If you know me in the "real" world, you already know the answer. If you don't know me, and you just happen to read this blog by some fate of the internet search engines... well, read on is all I can say. And if you, like me, are easily moved to tears: you may want to get some tissues ready.

I'll be honest. I am already crying.

So a month ago when I wrote that I would be posting recipes a lot more frequently, I had specified that one of those reasons was because I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. If you don't recall - my due date was May 12, 2011 (though my doctor insists it was May 18th according to her measurements). January 14th, I had a "normal" weekly ultrasound... my umpteenth ultrasound of this pregnancy... We went in as we always go in, smiling, excited, chattering about our daughter and how beautiful she is going to be and how perfect she is. During the first part of the appointment they did an external ultrasound. We watched in amazement as she flipped around and squirmed at the touch of the technician. After the technician had wiggled her around in all different positions and angles to get each picture she needed, it was time for the cervical measurement...

To spare you the gory details... this one is done with a... different approach. Not your normal belly ultrasound.

So anyway, as soon as the technician located my cervix to do the measurement (this is why I had to go every week), we both noticed something very alarming...

No cervix.

None.

It was gone.

And our baby was trying to come N-O-W.

I instantly panicked, and though I am sure she wouldn't want to admit it, the ultra sound tech looked a little panicked too as she quickly paged the doctor.

My husband stared on in wonderment - completely oblivious to what we were worried about. All he could see was his gorgeous baby girl swimming around on the screen.

After the doctor rushed in it was obvious that I wasn't going to be leaving the hospital pregnant. The next time I left the hospital, no matter how long or short it would be, would be after the birth of our daughter.

I was admitted within the hour and as I lay on the hospital bed sobbing uncontrollably, I listened to the doctors drone on about my condition and their ideas of how to stabilize the baby so I could continue my pregnancy in the hospital until she decided to appear.

But all the talk never went anywhere, because 48 hours later I was rushed in for an emergency C section, and our gorgeous daughter, Leilani (Leila) Marie Decker, was born.

She was everything we imagined she would be, just smaller. She had ten fingers, ten toes, the sweetest little nose you have ever seen, and lots of dark peach fuzz all over her sweet little head.

She was four months early, weighing in at just 1 lb, 4 oz. She was 11 1/2 inches long. She had the longest, skinniest little fingers. Everyone said she would grow up to be a pianist or a surgeon. Her eyes were fused shut - they hadn't finished forming in the womb and would need extra time to open now that she was "out".

She was so eager. She wanted to do everything her way: always kicking and thrashing around even when the doctors had her bundled up to help her conserve her energy.

She was our fighter. From day one the doctors said she may not make it through the first night, but she showed them. She fought and fought and survived day after day.

When she was nine days old the doctors called us and told us that she was in her final hours and we should come be with her.

We prepared ourselves for the worst, went to her side, and prayed.

And prayed.

And within a few hours, she started to respond.

The doctors admitted that even they didn't expect the turn around.

We spent ever minute with her we could for the next 24 hours. She was getting stronger, she was improving.

Everyone was impressed.

We left Thursday afternoon, around 11. We kissed her through the isolette. We told her we would be back on Saturday but we would miss her terribly. We sang to her. We laughed, we smiled. We were so confident in our little fighter's ability to thrive.

All night long we received updates from the doctors every few hours. It was obvious that our decision to leave the hospital, located about an hour from our home, was a hasty one. They told us to come back: that they were having to make some decisions that we would need to be there for.

We weren't worried.

We knew she would fight. We knew she was going to make it. But we hurried there anyway. Expecting to walk in and see her waving and kicking like she always did.

But that is not what we saw.

Our baby girl was struggling. She was in pain. She was dying.

They all knew it. Even my husband could look at her and see it was true.

Maybe I was selfish, but I wasn't ready to give up. The tears are rolling down over the keyboard as I write this, but I just wasn't ready to let go. No mother ever is.

The doctors asked me to hold her. To say goodbye.

So I did.

And I rocked her, and I sang to her, and I prayed that God take the breath out of my lungs and put it in to her. That He take my heart beat and let it beat for her.

But that didn't happen.

At 3:50pm, on Friday, January 28th, Leila passed away in my arms. I begged the doctors to revive her - to do anything to bring her back to me. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I felt like I wouldn't be able to breathe. I didn't want to let her go.



The doctors said it was multiple organ failure. Her little body just couldn't fight anymore.

There aren't a lot of words I can use to describe how the past week has been since her passing.

I have felt so empty, so lost at times... like I will never be the same. I have felt so much guilt, so much anger. Helplessness, hopelessness... all these words describe only a portion of the emotional roller coaster I have been on.

And I know it will be this way for a while. They say time heals all wounds... but they never tell you how long it takes. There is no timeline on grief. But I know one day it will hurt a little less, though the hurt will never truly be gone.

My daughter was the closest thing I have ever known to an angel. When I think about her I am filled with so many different feelings. I feel so blessed to be her mother and to have been able to know her for 12 whole days. I feel heartbreak at knowing that I will never again get to hold her, I will never see her grow up. I will never watch my daughter walk down the aisle, or have her own children.

But I will also never see my daughter cry from heartbreak. I will never have to watch her get sick or be in pain. I will never hear her say the words "I hate you, Mom". All my daughter knows is a world where her parents love her and wanted her more than anything.

There are so many more words I want to write about this precious angel and how she touched me. I can promise you that I will talk about her often, but I can also promise you that I will be posting more recipes soon. Cooking has always been therapeutic for me, and as my life gets back to normal, I am sure I will find extra comfort in the kitchen.

This morning when I woke up, my son grabbed my hand and dragged me to the kitchen. He pointed to a box of Hungry Jack and said "Pease?" (Please in Landon speak). Though part of me wanted to crawl back into bed and cry, the other part (the cooking part) couldn't help but start thinking of a recipe. Here my living breathing child was hungry, and he needed his mama. So I did one of the few things I know how to do well: I thought up a recipe, and I cooked.

And it felt good.