How Do I Start?

I don't even know where to begin on this last month...

May...

When Donovan and I went in to 2011 all we could think about was that this was the year our family would be complete. We would have our precious little girl to accompany our happy, handsome little boy... We would have everything we have ever wanted.

We never imagined just two weeks after welcoming in the New Year that we would already be welcoming our little girl.

And then less than two weeks later we had to say our tearful goodbye.

And now the year is almost half over and I still feel stuck in January. Like I am still waiting for it to all begin.

May was supposed to be the month our little girl joined us.

But instead, this May I was forced to suffer through day after awful day of milestones I never wanted to celebrate.

May 8th was my first Mother's day as a Mommy to an Angel. My husband had left just a few days earlier and my heart was empty and aching... but I had some amazing friends who helped me through it. To them, I say a huge thank you. It was also the date that the doctors in the hospital where I had Leila had as my due date, though they were wrong.

Next was May 12. My original due date with Leila. The due date that I excitedly found the first day I knew I was pregnant. After my 6th ultra sound (which was still very early considering the number of ultra sounds I had every week), at about 9 weeks pregnant, I was told that she was measuring more around May 19th instead of the 12. So from that point on, May 19th became my due date.

After that came May 16. Leila would have been four months old. She may have been strong enough to come home, she would have been so much bigger and so beautiful. I can go on and on about all the things that would have, could have, and should have been, but it doesn't do any good. So instead I just cried. I sent her up a balloon and held my little boy and cried.

Then came May 19th. I was so worried that this was going to be the hardest day of all, and though I was very sad and missed her very much, I think that the arrival of her due date wasn't as heartbreaking for me as it may have been had she been born still, or never born at all. But in a weird way, I am blessed that I got to meet her. Though I think saying goodbye has been harder for having known her beautiful little self, I am blessed that I got those 12 days. 12 beautiful days with her as my living, breathing, gorgeous daughter. I have a birthday to remember her on, and though it rips me apart each month, I have a death date as well. But those who never get to meet their angel babies: they are left with empty arms and endless sadness. Their due date looms as a horrible reminder. And to anyone who has ever lost a baby and had to suffer through the due date with all the sadness and longing: my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray for wonderful things for your future.

After that my brother and his wife came to visit for a week. They were a wonderful distraction. We went to the Sequoias and San Francisco and had a blast. The day before they left was May 28th. Leila's 4 month Angelversary date. We each sent up a balloon and cried together as we remembered her. It doesn't feel like it could really have been that long.

I miss her every day. I still cry a couple times a day, though I try to do it in private and try to reflect on the positives: that I got to know her at all, rather than the negative. I try to find something new to be thankful for every single day. And my son. I am always thankful for him. Every second of every day.

So I guess the month of May is finally almost over.

And I survived.

Thank you to everyone who helped me make it through. I love all of you.