How Do I Start?

I don't even know where to begin on this last month...

May...

When Donovan and I went in to 2011 all we could think about was that this was the year our family would be complete. We would have our precious little girl to accompany our happy, handsome little boy... We would have everything we have ever wanted.

We never imagined just two weeks after welcoming in the New Year that we would already be welcoming our little girl.

And then less than two weeks later we had to say our tearful goodbye.

And now the year is almost half over and I still feel stuck in January. Like I am still waiting for it to all begin.

May was supposed to be the month our little girl joined us.

But instead, this May I was forced to suffer through day after awful day of milestones I never wanted to celebrate.

May 8th was my first Mother's day as a Mommy to an Angel. My husband had left just a few days earlier and my heart was empty and aching... but I had some amazing friends who helped me through it. To them, I say a huge thank you. It was also the date that the doctors in the hospital where I had Leila had as my due date, though they were wrong.

Next was May 12. My original due date with Leila. The due date that I excitedly found the first day I knew I was pregnant. After my 6th ultra sound (which was still very early considering the number of ultra sounds I had every week), at about 9 weeks pregnant, I was told that she was measuring more around May 19th instead of the 12. So from that point on, May 19th became my due date.

After that came May 16. Leila would have been four months old. She may have been strong enough to come home, she would have been so much bigger and so beautiful. I can go on and on about all the things that would have, could have, and should have been, but it doesn't do any good. So instead I just cried. I sent her up a balloon and held my little boy and cried.

Then came May 19th. I was so worried that this was going to be the hardest day of all, and though I was very sad and missed her very much, I think that the arrival of her due date wasn't as heartbreaking for me as it may have been had she been born still, or never born at all. But in a weird way, I am blessed that I got to meet her. Though I think saying goodbye has been harder for having known her beautiful little self, I am blessed that I got those 12 days. 12 beautiful days with her as my living, breathing, gorgeous daughter. I have a birthday to remember her on, and though it rips me apart each month, I have a death date as well. But those who never get to meet their angel babies: they are left with empty arms and endless sadness. Their due date looms as a horrible reminder. And to anyone who has ever lost a baby and had to suffer through the due date with all the sadness and longing: my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray for wonderful things for your future.

After that my brother and his wife came to visit for a week. They were a wonderful distraction. We went to the Sequoias and San Francisco and had a blast. The day before they left was May 28th. Leila's 4 month Angelversary date. We each sent up a balloon and cried together as we remembered her. It doesn't feel like it could really have been that long.

I miss her every day. I still cry a couple times a day, though I try to do it in private and try to reflect on the positives: that I got to know her at all, rather than the negative. I try to find something new to be thankful for every single day. And my son. I am always thankful for him. Every second of every day.

So I guess the month of May is finally almost over.

And I survived.

Thank you to everyone who helped me make it through. I love all of you.

Four Months.

Four months ago today was one of the most emotional days of my life:

happy, sad, terrified, hopeful.

I had a million different emotions bubbling inside of me and spilling out all over the place.

Mostly I was happy.

I had my daughter on this day four months ago.

I had everything I could ever want.

I think if I had known, I mean, really known, that I was only going to have 12 days with her, I wouldn't have ever left her side. I would have just stared at her for hours, soaking up everything about her... Her little nose, her wrinkly forehead, her long skinny fingers and toes.

But I didn't know.

I was so hopeful. I was so sure that everything was going to be okay, and so terrified to give in to the thought that maybe it wouldn't.

These days I am doing a little better.

Some days are harder than others... At first, I was doing okay today. Today was going to be a strong day for me... But then I looked at the calendar and realized what day it is... and I started crying one of those ugly sobbing cries...

My son crawled in my lap and kissed me and said "it okay mama".

So I told him why I was crying. We talked about baby sister. He calls her "my baby"... It felt good to talk about her, and to see the understanding on his young but very wise face.

So today I am asking that every one spends an extra minute with their precious children. Soak it up. Cherish it...

The New Me...

Sometimes I will start to write a new post.

About nothing in particular.

Sometimes about my feelings. Sometimes a new recipe. Sometimes just a ramble, like I am now.

And then I will stop, hit the back space button for a minute, and stare at the blank screen.

I am running out of words.

I have writer's block: but it's carrying over into every aspect of my life. I can't think straight sometimes. Everything comes out jumbled and backwards.

I just hit the back space button again...

I don't know what to say anymore.

I don't know how to talk about these feelings I have been holding in anymore.

I have been trying desperately to get back to my old self.

But I think that's the problem.

I can never be my old self again. I can never be the person that I was before Leila passed away.

I have to figure out this new person that I am supposed to be. And it's difficult. Extremely difficult.

Here is what I think I know about the person I was before January 28, 2011:
I was loud, obnoxiously outgoing, able to hold a conversation with anyone over anything. I enjoyed a good debate but also loved to listen to the things other people had to say. I was passionate about being a housewife: cooking, cleaning, sewing, taking care of Landon, everything that I did - I did with a smile and ultimate dedication. I was a people person. I never felt nervous or uncomfortable in public situations. I loved to be the center of attention. I smiled a lot. I mean A LOT. I laughed at jokes that weren't funny. I could make friends with a complete stranger in a matter of seconds. I loved every minute of being pregnant, spending time with my family and friends, and being alive.

Here is what I am finding out about the person I am now:
Though I am still pretty loud, I am awkward: I laugh too loud at all the wrong times. I find myself getting nervous in social situations. I was shocked to find that the new me sometimes becomes shy around new people. I have become lazier about doing the things that used to be easy for me to do, like housework. I cry a lot. I get this funny knot in my throat when I see a baby, a pregnant woman, or hear someone talk about anything related to babies. I have this annoying tendency to apologize for absolutely everything, regardless of if I had control over it or not. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know what to do with my hands when I am talking. I enjoy being quiet a lot more than I used to. I adore watching my son play for hours on end. Though it makes me cry, I love talking about my daughter. And I love hearing from other people how she touched their lives. I am terrified of being pregnant, but I want to be so terribly it makes my heart ache. I second guess myself a lot: about everything. It is as though I am scared that any decision I make will lead to a consequence that I can't yet see, but that will be devastating.

I learn new things about my new self every day. Some of them are good, I guess. But some of them I don't like.

I don't like feeling like I don't belong in my own skin. I don't like feeling left out because people don't like the person that I am now.

And I hate,

More than anything,

Looking at old pictures of myself and knowing that I may never be that happy again.

But day by day I try to get to know myself a little more.

I have discovered that I am very good at making things: jewelry, clothes, odds and ends. I have been making things non-stop for the past couple of months. It has become my therapy. I like that about my new self. I like that I can take a few plain beads, some chain, and some ribbon and make a fabulous necklace. Or that I can cut up an old pair of pants and make a tie for my son to wear. I really like that.

So it's a start I guess.