Moving Forward, One Step at a Time

That's all there is to it.

I miss her.

I miss a lot of things.

I miss being pregnant. I miss being able to blame things on pregnancy...

Boy do I miss that one.

I miss being so confident in her ability to thrive.

I was so sure she was going to make it. I wouldn't let any negativity set me back. I just kept believing in her strength. Believing in the strength of this tiny little person. I felt invincible... so sure that nothing would break apart our perfect little family.

I miss that feeling.

That feeling of completeness.

When I was pregnant, my husband and I would talk about how happy we were that Leila was going to be a part of our family. That we loved our little family the way it was, but that something was missing.

And that Leila would complete us.

How do I move on from that? How am I supposed to handle these emotions?

Am I incomplete now? Is my family going to recover?

I don't know.

I think the answer to both those questions is yes...

With time our little family will heal. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will be ready to add to our family again.

And God willing, maybe this baby will survive.

Am I incomplete?

Yes.

There is a gaping hole in my heart and I feel it in everything I do.

I find myself imagining that she had survived... That she just turned two months old and that she was laying in her hammock next to me...

Then I wake up and reality hits me hard.

I feel numb all over.

I am not torturing myself. At least not intentionally.

I imagine that these are natural thoughts and feelings for someone going through what I have gone through, though I don't know for certain. Grief is so different for every person.

So individualized.

So am I handling my grief the right way?

I don't know.

But I am doing the best I can.

I am keeping busy. I am "crafting" every chance I get.

I have been redoing and ripping apart and painting and sewing everything I can get my hands on.

I think about Leila with every thing that I do.

But not always with sadness.

Sometimes I imagine that she likes what I am doing... I know she wasn't old enough to have a particular taste, but I imagine that she does.

Pretty much I imagine that she likes everything that I like...

She is my own person Angel cheerleading squad...

I have recently started a business. I make and sell extremely unique and custom handmade rings, necklaces, headbands, purses and so much more. You name it, I will make it. Or at least, I will try.

I decided to use the colors and patterns from Leila's room as my business theme and colors. Everything to do with my business (my logo, business signs, even my business card holder and display racks) are all hot pink, black and white, and damask patterned.

She is with me in every thing I do.

Even Landon loves helping Mommy with the new business... Tonight as I was laying out hot pink buttons (that I spray painted), he kept saying "I help! Here you go mama! I help!"

He is such a light in my life.

Such a beautiful little person.

And he's mine.

Just like my angel, he is my own little cheer leader...

The only difference is, I can hear him.



Here is some of the stuff I have been working on for my business, "Decked Out".

A beret I made from a tshirt with rosette clippies.

A beret I made from a tshirt with rosette clippies.


A rosette headband made to a customers style request.


A gorgeous one of a kind handmade ring.


A custom made bib style necklace.


A purse made from a recycled book.

This is only the beginning of what I have been up to!

Check me out at my business page!