Smiling Through The Tears :)

Yesterday our sweet Leila would have been 6 months old. If she were alive and healthy, I can only dream of the things she would be capable of.

But I am trying to refrain from dwelling on the impossible.

Instead, I spent yesterday doting on my precious son, Landon.

Everything about him makes me smile:


His shaggy blonde hair with the gorgeous natural high lights that I just wish I could capture in a bottle and use for myself...





His stunning blue eyes that have the ability to melt my heart no matter how stressed or upset I may be...

His chubby little fingers that he waves around and points at things with, sometimes even pointing right at me and saying "No, no mama!"...


His round little cheeks and squinty eyes, and the way his smile lights up his whole face...



The way his personality sparkles in anything and everything he does...



The way he has no fear of running bare foot down an abandoned dirt road, yet he won't even walk on the sidewalk if he sees a bug in his path...



The way he can be so blissfully happy just chomping away on some watermelon, not a care in the world...

and how even if that watermelon falls on the ground and is covered with dirt, he quickly picks it right back up to continue eating (as mom comes running over and says "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!!!!")...








I am so blessed.

Paint the Sky Pink...

It is 7:02 on July 16th, 2011.

In about ten minutes, we leave to go release balloons in Leila's name.

A friend coordinated this for us: to make this day special for us and for Donovan since he won't be here for the rest of the year due to his deployment.

I have such mixed emotions about this day. I miss her, I wish she were here. I am angry, I am sad.

But I am so thankful to be surrounded with people that love us.

I am so thankful to be able to do this for our precious daughter.

So here we go:

Painting the sky pink.

To My Leila

Today you are six months old.

Today you are half a year old.



I can't even comprehend what this means. Six months ago I lay on a hospital bed, unable to speak from the tube that had been down my throat, and the anesthesia that made me so groggy, and all I could do was motion the universal sign for baby. All I could think about was you.


Perfect little, tiny, precious you.

And today you are six months old.

But I can't hold you today. I can't put a pretty dress on you and fix a big bow in your hair or take your picture.

Because you are in Heaven.

It has been five and a half months since you left us and I still have to remind myself that you are gone. That I will never get to put bows in your hair, or make you tutus, or play dress up with you.

But you are still my daughter.




My precious, sweet angel baby. With the long skinny legs and fingers and toes.

And I love absolutely everything about you.

The only thing I don't love is that you aren't here.

I would give anything just to kiss you on the forehead, smooth the hair on your head and snuggle you close. I would give anything to sing you a lullabye and rock with you back and forth, back and forth.

I would even give anything to have to wake up at 2 in the morning and change a diaper and nurse you back to sleep.

But no matter what I do, I can't change that fact that Heaven is your home, and Earth is mine.

For now.

But one day, only God knows when, I will be with you again.

And I will put bows in your hair and smooth the hair on your head and kiss your forehead.

And I will sing to you.

For eternity.


I love you so much Leila. I wish there was more I could say to you, but I don't even know how to put it all in to words.

I just really miss you. And I love you.

And I wish you were here.

Happy birthday my sweet angel.

Love,

Mommy

Grilled Cheese fit for a Queen

Every now and then I stumble across some inspiration that gets my gears going... It could be a picture in a magazine, a post by a fellow blogger, or even just a few mismatched words strung together... I am pretty easily inspired.

Well the inspiration for what I am about to share with you was pretty obvious...

I mean, she basically spelled it out for me.

Basically.

But then I took the notion and RAN with it!

I mean I went WILD!

I have been craving Brie cheese lately anyway, so the fact that Food Coma's little sandwiches had Brie cheese in them made it a pretty obvious choice.

And the idea of combining it with strawberries and jam and serving it up grilled cheese style?

Genius.

So I took that inspiration, and combined it with a family recipe from my childhood. Brie en croute with some sort of spicy sweet berry chutney or compote.

Pretty tasty stuff.

So instead I stacked my Brie on top of a huge slice of thick fluffy French bread slathered with Berry Jalapeno compote, then topped the cheese with slices of fresh strawberries.

Then I smacked on another thick slice of bread, fried the whole thing in butter, and as an after thought I threw some mint in it/on it.

Perfection.

One bite and I melted along with the delicious creamy pools of Brie...

So take my word for it: it doesn't matter if you need a delicious brunch idea, a dainty summer lunch, or even an appetizer (or light main course) for dinner... You HAVE to try these!



Grilled Brie and Berries
(Makes 2)



4 thick slices of French bread (about 1 inch or so)
Butter
Brie cheese
Strawberries (I used 4 medium sized strawberries)
Berry Jalapeno compote (or substitute for a berry preserves or compote of your choice. I like the bite the jalapeno gives)
Mint

Turn the broiler on and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper, and rip off a sheet of foil.



Slather one side of each bread slice with butter.



Lay two of the slices butter side down in a cold skillet. This is to make the stacking and transferring easier.



Slice your strawberries thinly and layer on top of the bread in the skillet.
**In the pictures I did the compote first, then the Brie, then the strawberries, but before I started grilling I flipped one of the sandwiches over, so the strawberries were on the bottom, and found that this makes it much easier in the long run... So do as I say: not as I did...**



Slice the Brie into thick slices, about 1/2 an inch. Layer on top of the strawberries.



Spread 1 tbsp of the Berry Jalapeno Compote on to the unbuttered side of the remaining slices of bread.




Lay on top of the sandwiches in the skillet (do I need to say buttered side up??). Press firmly down for good measure.



Plop a pat of butter into the pan for good measure and turn the burner on to medium heat.

As the butter melts and sizzles tilt the pan to make sure the butter slides evenly around the two sandwiches.

Cook only until the bottom of the bread is browned. You do NOT want to burn the bread: just get a nice golden delicious crust on it.



Very carefully flip the sandwich over. You may have to slightly reassemble after the flip.

Add another small pat of butter (for good measure, you know?) and cook like you did the other side. I slid mine up against the sides of the pan to stabilize them... The strawberries and the top piece of bread were trying to make a break for it. But I put a stop to that!




When both sides are beautifully golden, transfer to the parchment lined cookie sheet and tent with foil (this is to keep it from burning) and pop in the oven just long enough to melt the cheese, about 1-3 minutes.



Garnish with mint, or if you are feeling daring: lift up the top piece of bread and add a couple of fresh mint leaves right on top of the berries.



Pour yourself an ice cold glass of sweet tea with a couple of mint leaves, take a bite of your decadent grilled cheese fit for a queen (or even a king, perhaps), and smile.

Because it's just that good.



Happy eating!

Virginia's Salt River Bars

So the other day I was browsing through some of my favorite blogs and I found a post on Bakergirl about these delicious looking things she described as "Salt River Bars".

I was instantly intrigued.

I mean, I love salt.

Almost as much as I love butter.

And chocolate.

And guess what?

THIS HAS ALL THREE!

But did I mention that my absolute favorite candy

in the ENTIRE WORLD

is caramel...


I adore caramel...

I would lick caramel off of cardboard.

Guess what...

Did you guess it?

THIS HAS CARAMEL TOO!

Yup. This is an absolute, sure fire, Virginia pleasing dessert.


Now, Bakergirl's recipe has peanut butter chips in it. But my dear friend Kaylee has a massive sweet tooth and happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.. So I knew if I made a decadent and rich dessert like this she was going to be all over it.

And I really, REALLY didn't want her to puff up and force me to jab her with an epi pen...

Because I love her.

And because I am terrified of needles and junk.

But mostly because I love her.

And allergies aren't any fun.

So anyway, as you can guess, I came up with a back up for the Salt River Bars.

I changed a few things actually.

And I am pleased with the results.

So I hope you enjoy my version!!!!

But if you aren't deathly allergic to peanuts and would like to try them as they are intended to be, go here.


Virginia's Salt River Bars



1/2 box Club crackers
1 cup butter (I had one stick margarine and had to borrow a stick of butter from a neighbor, but margarine or butter will work fine)
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup butterscotch OR peanut butter chips (optional)
1 1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
2 tbsp vegetable oil
sea salt

Line a small pan or baking dish with parchment paper. Bakergirl used foil, but I shuddered at the thought of foil sticking to the gooey caramel and chomping on little bits of foil...

So parchment it is. Waxed paper would work fine too since you aren't baking it.

Next, make a layer on top of the parchment paper with club crackers.



I used an odd sized dish because it was the first thing I grabbed. It allowed me to make three rows of four crackers. Sprinkle 1/3 of the chips (if you are using them) on top of the crackers.



Melt the butter and the brown sugar together in a sauce pan on medium. Stir frequently and cook until bubbling constantly. Keep stirring and cooking until it turns into a creamy caramel sauce. This should be about 3-4 minutes. Don't over cook or it may become separated, too hard, or burnt tasting. Make sure to keep the heat at medium and not higher or you will burn the sugar and get a yucky taste.



Pour 1/3 of the mixture over the crackers and chips, then top with another layer of crackers and chips, 1/3 caramel, another layer of crackers and chips, the rest of the caramel.



Top with a final layer of crackers.



Put the chocolate chips and oil into a glass bowl and microwave at 30 second intervals until melted. Stir frequently. It should really only take about a minute.

Notice the kids' spoon I used to stir it with? Someone else noticed too and wanted a taste...



So let your adorable little helper have a taste of the chocolate topping, just to make sure it's tasty...



Pour all over the top layer and use the back of a spoon to spread it out evenly.



Pop it into the fridge for just a minute or two to let it set just a bit, then pull it out and sprinkle it with sea salt.




Then pop it back in the fridge for about 20 minutes, just so the chocolate is set enough to score with a knife, but not hard enough that you have to work hard at it.

Then using a knife, score lines in it where you will want to cut it. Bakergirl did squares, but I just followed the lines of the club crackers and did rectangles. It worked super well because each stack of crackers was it's own cookie and cut down on extra crumbs.

You won't need to cut all the way through the bar, just press the knife down through the chocolate so that when it is all the way set you will be able to cut the bars easily.

Put back in the fridge for an hour or so until fully chilled, then cut and store in a tupperware container in the fridge.




WARNING: Highly addictive but VERY VERY sweet.

I will admit that the butterscotch chips make the bars INCREDIBLY sweet. I think next time I will make them without any chips, or perhaps dark chocolate chips.

The chips really aren't necessary: the star of the show really is the caramel... The chocolate and salt on top just help highlight the creamy sweetness of the decadent caramel.

Is your mouth watering?

Yeah I thought so.

Letter to Leila

Dear Leila,

I have written these letters in my head hundreds of times, but writing them out always brings me to tears.

In just a few days it will be July 16th.

You would have been 6 months old.

When I think about that, that you would have been 6 months old, it takes my breath away. I think about how big you would have been, how beautiful you would be. How beautiful you are now, in Heaven.

I would give anything to see you.

Saying I miss you just doesn't seem to be enough.

You were taken from us too soon: there was so much love we wanted to give you. So many things we wanted to teach you and show you. Your big brother wanted to show you all of his toys and play with you outside.

He used to talk about you every day, but now he talks about you less and less. I think he knows you are with him though, because every now and then I catch him on his "phone" talking to "baby".

I don't know if you can feel what I feel for you, or if you even know who I am, but I hope you know that you changed my life forever.

I am so blessed to have known you, even if only for 12 days.

I wish I had words that could bridge this gap between Heaven and earth... I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you how much we love you.

As we speak your big brother crawled into my lap and kissed me and told me it's okay. I am so sorry we will never get to see the little person you would have become.

This Saturday will be your 6 month day. We are going to be releasing balloons for you.

Dozens and dozens of them.

My wish is that the whole sky be filled with balloons for you.

I want to paint the sky pink.

Just for you, and the other angel babies that left their families too soon.

Share them. Laugh at them. Smile and shriek in delight.

Let your happy laughter echo through Heaven.

Maybe, just maybe, we will get a glimpse of your light on Earth.

I love you, Leila.

I will always love you.

Love,

Mommy.

July!!! It's July!

Can this really be? Can it really be July? Has half the year REALLY gone by in the blink of an eye?

Why yes, yes it has!

Has the year flown by for you as well?

With the 4th of July holiday just around the corner, I felt it only appropriate to make Landon a special occasion tie.




Isn't it adorable?

Landon's favorite things right now are ties and hats. I have made him about a dozen ties. Bow ties, too. I think I could make ties in my sleep!

No really, I am not kidding. I have made so many I really bet I could make them in my sleep.

Want to make one yourself?

There are all sorts of tutorials floating around on how to make your own. Or you can do what I did: wing it!

I will post detailed "winging it" instructions later. But right now: I am off to the fabric store!

Happy Fourth!