Memories... Like Mom Made!

Memories... Like Mom Made!
Out of dark moments, flowers grow.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Our Silver Lining.

The past few months since Leila passed away have been filled with a vast array of emotions.

At first, I just felt the intense pain of grief. I wasn't sure it would ever pass. I couldn't grasp the vast immensity of the reality I was in... I felt like I was spiraling deeper and deeper into this black hole of grief. And on a few dark days, I really didn't think I would get out.

But then I started to enjoy the little things again. I enjoyed my time with Landon: playing, learning, exploring. It was hard to put aside my grief for just anyone or anything, but for him - it seemed easy. I was able to process the grief as I marveled at the little being in front of me: with his innocent and loving view on the world, his free and open heart, and his intense love for his parents. He made healing seem easy.

Though in reality it was far from it.

I still struggled. I had some days that were just filled with anger. I was so angry at what had happened to us. To me. To her.

By March I had taken a turn downhill and could barely leave the house without crying. I just couldn't process everything going on. I was trying to heal, but dealing with all of these new raw emotions that I had never encountered before.

After going home for a vacation I regrouped a little and felt stronger. I felt like I could make it. I was going to be okay.

Then came May. May was a very hard month for me. No one really understood, but May was probably the worst month since that first one. I was due in May. I was supposed to be having my baby girl and enjoying my job as a new mommy: lack of sleep and dirty diapers included.

May ended and guess what?

I survived! June came and suddenly I felt in control again. I started spending more time with friends and going on dates with my husband. I was starting to feel happy again.

Then, on July 15, 2011, the day before Leila's six month birthday...

We found out something incredible.

We are expecting.

That's right.

Landon, and our sweet baby angel, Leila, are going to have a new baby sibling.

I was afraid when I would find out I was pregnant that I would feel like I was betraying Leila. In a way, I kind of did feel that way. But all of a sudden I had this sense of calm wash over as I stared at the faint line on the 4th (yes 4th) pregnancy test I took.

This was what was supposed to happen.

This was God's plan.

This is our baby.

And no baby will ever replace Leila. Ever.

But she is with me. And in a way, I felt like she was giving me her blessing.

The next day we sent dozens of balloons up to her. All around the country balloons were being released in her memory.

And I felt like she was smiling down on us.

She is going to be with me throughout this pregnancy. Whispering in my ear when I am stressed and terrified. Listening to me sing to my sweet unborn baby. Guiding me. And loving us.

The pain of losing Leila is still there. The tears are still falling, more softly now, as I write about the journey ahead.

I will be honest: I am terrified. Absolutely terrified for this baby. Every hiccup, every sign of distress is going to scare me more than it would a person with healthy pregnancies. It's unavoidable.

I am doing my best to stay calm and positive, but any mother who has had a miscarriage, and any mother who has had a micro premie baby knows my fears. It's easy to look on the outside in and try and logic and reason the fear away: but it will always be there.

All I can do is try to work through it as calmly as I can, arm myself with knowledge and facts, and do the absolute best job of carrying this baby that I possibly can.

So you may be asking: "If you found out almost a month ago, why wait this long to announce that you are pregnant?"

Well the answer is simple, and beautiful, and I am delighted to share it:

Today I got to hear the most beautiful sound I have heard in months.

I got to hear our baby's heartbeat.

The little whoosh whoosh whoosh on the monitor made my heart soar.

My baby is healthy. My baby is safe. My baby is alive.

After everything we've been through, we are finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The silver lining on the dark thundercloud.

And this baby is going to know love like no other baby has ever known love.

I have been keeping a daily journal to the baby. To chronicle my feelings and emotions as I deal with the next several months as a "single parent". My husband is deployed currently and won't be back until around the baby's due date. It is likely that he will not be here for the birth, but we are preparing ourselves for that. After everything we've been through, I think we can handle it.

So that's my big news. That's OUR big news. And we are so happy.

I hope you enjoy this new incredible journey we are on. Thank you for all the continued support.

Virginia, Donovan, and Landon

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