I think I have been avoiding thinking into the future. I simply try and make it through each day as best I can.
But for the first time, today I thought about the future. About all of the plans we had altered to accommodate our new life with our sweet Leila in the picture... I was reading the heartbreaking blog of a fellow mommy to an angel, and she talked about seeing Easter things in a store and realizing that her daughter was missing her first Easter...
And the tears started coming...
All I could think about was Christmas. How am I going to get through Christmas with my husband deployed and my daughter... dead... It will just be me and Landon. I am sure we will go back home for Christmas, so we won't really be alone, but Christmas 2010 was such a joyous time: Leila had her own huge stack of presents and she wasn't even born yet! We had no idea she would be born just three weeks later, when she wasn't due to be born until May 18, 2011...
Life is so cruel.
I feel like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum, I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
Because it's not. I would gladly trade places with my Leila. I wish she could be alive and on her way to recovery. Every holiday is just going to ache with the emptiness she left in my life.
I hate feeling empty.
Hi there, I clicked my way over to your blog through The Staats blog, and even though I don't know either of you, (found through links of friends from facebook) I just wanted to tell you how much of an impact you've had on me.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazingly strong person, I admire how you can write through your immense grief and let yourself feel all of your emotions, no matter how painful. And to share it with the world. I feel that I do a good job of being grateful and not taking what a have for granted, but you remind me even more so to appreciate even the things that are common complaints among most parents; the whining, crying, kicking you in the face in bed (my 1 and a half year old son still sleeps with us)....All of those things, every single moment with those we love, especially our children, are blessings.
It's hard to know what to say, I'm not sure if this will even help you, but I wanted to share it because it helped me when I went through the worst loss of my life when my first love died in a motorcycle accident. What helped me a lot was the thought that my loved one would WANT to see me happy. I cried tons and tons everyday for months and was it was the saddest time even though I am very much an optimist, but this thought always brought me comfort and gave me the strength to go on and lead a happy life.
God Bless you and your family, my thoughts and prayers are with you all the way from Albuquerque, NM.
Jami
Thank you Jami.
ReplyDelete