Memories... Like Mom Made!

Memories... Like Mom Made!
Out of dark moments, flowers grow.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

My Rainbow of Hope: Lorelei Marie Decker

17 months ago I went through something no parent should ever have to go through: my baby girl took her last breaths in my arms.

The months that followed were bleak. Some days I didn't even want to get out of bed, but with the support of a loving husband and incredible son, I was able to put the pieces back together.

Then on July 15, the day before what would have been Leila's six month birthday, I got a positive pregnancy test. I took several more... staring at the line get darker and darker... My heart swelled and broke at the same time.

Leila was going to be a big sister, but she wouldn't get to partake in all the wonderful things a big sister should do. There were a million negative things I could focus on...

But instead I chose to focus on the positive in front of me. The very literal positive, staring up at me, telling me that Donovan and I were getting our Rainbow after the storm.

My pregnancy was not easy: as those of you who followed my story know, I had many ups and downs, including a 5 week stay in the hospital, later a false alarm that put me back in the hospital for 3 days, horrible all day sickness, not to mention surgery at 13 weeks, a cross country trip at 15 weeks, a deployed husband, and an active toddler to look after.

The odds were stacked against me for sure, but my entire pregnancy I felt a sort of presence. A feeling deep inside that told me everything would be okay.

And wouldn't you know? It was.

Absolutely perfect.

On March 5, 2012, at 9:51am, I saw my beautiful Lorelei for the first time. I can't even describe to you how perfect she was/is. The held her up to me, pulled down the curtain so I could take a peek, and there she was. Chubby cheeks, thick black hair, and eyes wide open. She didn't cry. She just took everything in.

She has been like that since. She very rarely cries. She is too busy observing her environment. She loves when I make faces at her, when he brother sings her some remixed nursery songs (did you know that "Rock-a-bye Baby" has a hot dog in it?), and even when the cats come over to check her out.

She is the happiest baby I have ever met. And I love her with all of my heart.

I can't help but realize that Lorelei is here because her sister is not. Had Leila lived, we would not have even considered getting pregnant so soon. We would have been focused on the vast health issues we would have to overcome together. Or had she waited until her due date (mid May) to be born, it would have been for too early to even attempt to get pregnant. Lorelei is here for a reason. Of that, I am sure.

I won't deny that I think it is unfair. Unfair that one baby has to leave this Earth in order for another to be created... at least in our case. But I have come to a point where I can't question the plan anymore. I have to live it. I have to let something bigger than me guide me.

Because if I stop long enough to question it, I probably won't like the answer. Or even understand it.

But I know there has to be a plan. I look at Lorelei and I know. We are here for a reason.

And I can't wait to find out what that reason is.