Remembering Leila

January 16th marked the day that Leila would have been one year old.

Would have been.

I think about the way things "would" have been and I feel the breath catch in my lungs.

It doesn't help to think about the way things would, should, or could have been. Instead: I spent January 16, 2012, giving thanks for the 12 days I had with my daughter, and for all the people that she brought in to our lives.

I remembered the wonderful things about her that I will always hold dear: her feistiness, her long skinny fingers and toes, the way she flailed and moved like she was dancing, the way I felt when I looked at her.

I tried not to be sad... But of course I failed.

But I tried not to be OVERLY sad. I tried to rejoice that she is happy now. No longer in pain.

A friend started a Facebook page called "Remembering Leila". Anyone who wanted to could join the page and post pictures of what they did that day to remember Leilani Marie Decker and the short life she lived.

Some people sent balloons up to her.

 

 

Others lit candles.

 

 

 

 

But all of them... Every single one... Took a few special moments to honor my daughter.

And words can not express how happy and blessed that makes me feel.

Leila may be gone from this world, but she will never truly be gone. As long as people continue to remember her and honor her, she will always live on in them.

And in us.

We love you, Leila. Always and forever...

To the moon and back again.


Love - Mommy, Daddy, Landon, Javi, Daisy, and last but certainly not least, your tiny baby sister, Lorelei (who I know you have been keeping close watch over as her birthday draws nearer and nearer).

A Different Year... A Different Journey

December 31, 2010, my husband and I sat on the floor of our living room, talking about our hopes and dreams for 2011.

We talked about how amazing the year would be. About how our daughter would be born and complete our family. About the adventures we would embark on together. About how blessed we felt to be expecting our sweet little Leila. We drank sparkling grape juice and laughed as Leila kicked and flipped in my belly (excited from all of the "bubbly", I am sure).

Two weeks later our expectations for 2011 came crashing down.

I went in for a normal, routine weekly appointment, as I had every week for the past 10 weeks, and was given news that would change my life forever: I would not be leaving that hospital pregnant, no matter how short or long that was to be.

Two days later was one of the most terrifying, wonderful, horrible, and bittersweet days of my life. My beautiful daughter was born. She was perfect, but she was very tiny. Despite all the odds, she made it through the first night, a feat that no one expected her to manage.

The next 12 days were an emotional roller coaster. I was so incredibly happy and blessed to have my tiny miracle, but in the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn't last. I stayed hopeful and strong but it was easy to see that she had a long road ahead of her, one that would prove to be too much for her to bear.

If you have children, you know that feeling when your child gets sick, perhaps the sniffles or a stomach bug, and there is nothing you can do to help them. You just have to wait and love them and be there... because that is really all you can do. Watching my daughter struggle in the NICU was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Every day that passed I wrestled with myself, angry at the pain she was feeling and the complete lack of control I had over the situation: there was absolutely nothing I could do for her except pray, be there, and love her.

And that is what I did. I haven't stopped loving her from the moment I knew she existed. September 9, 2010 is the day I found out I was pregnant. From that very moment I loved everything about her. The way she made me sick, the "rosy hue" she gave my cheeks (which really was just me being flushed from being so exhausted and run down all the time), and the "glow" everyone said I had (which all pregnant mothers know is really just sweat)... I loved it all. She would flip and turn constantly and every kick was just another reminder of how blessed and happy I was.

Even though she is gone, I have never stopped loving her. She is a part of me. Any mother understands that feeling. 2011 continued to be a roller coaster: the months after her death left me angry, confused, hurt, empty.. Every emotion a person can feel, I probably felt it at one time or another.

Then on July 15, 2011, my husband and I learned of our new little miracle. We learned that Landon and Leila were going to have a little brother or sister. The next day was Leila's 6 month day. We sent dozens of balloons up to her and prayed that she find comfort and peace, and also that she would look after her new baby brother or sister as I continued my pregnancy.

Two weeks later, my husband deployed. As we said goodbye we knew it meant that he would miss our new arrival's birth. We embraced and he kissed my belly. We had no idea what the future held, but we tried to remain strong and positive.

The next few months the roller coaster continued. I had weekly doctor's appointments: sometimes more than one in a week. Then I had surgery to try and prevent what had happened to Leila from happening again.

Every week that passed, I thanked God for allowing me to remain pregnant.

In October we made the decision to move home with family so that I could have help with Landon while I continued bed rest. It was a difficult decision, but ultimately has proved to be a good one. I met a new team of doctors who are entirely dedicated to helping me carry this baby as long as possible...

And on October 26, we found out that our little Cupcake is indeed a beautiful baby girl: Lorelei Marie.

The last time I posted, I had just had my 21 week appointment. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and was so overwhelmed with gratitude for the wonderful people I have in my life.

The next Wednesday, November 30, I was told some news that I did not expect to hear so soon: I would be entering the hospital for an extended period of time. My cervix had been softening and shortening and the doctors didn't want to take any risks. The admitted me the following Monday, which allowed me to spend my darling son's 3rd birthday with him. I have been here ever since.

The first week in the hospital was nerve wracking. Everyone expected me to go in to labor at any minute. I was on complete bed rest and even had to be wheeled on my bed like the Queen of Sheba just to have my cervical length scans.

I made it through the first week and then hit 24 weeks: a milestone that changed my attitude immensely. I started to relax more. I felt a sense of calm and acceptance. I was more confident than I had been before in my pregnancy. The elusive goal of 28 weeks seemed well within reach.

Each week that continued, my spirits brightened. I felt Lorelei growing and getting stronger. She was even more active than her acrobat sister and made it very clear that she is a fighter. Her strength gave me even more.

As Christmas neared, my spirits started to fade. Being away from Landon started to take an enormous toll on my spirit and my heart. I ached for him every single moment. I had to distract myself constantly just to keep from bursting in to tears.

Then I received a horrible phone call from my husband's mother on December 21st: my father in law had been ill since the beginning of November, but that night he took a turn for the worse. She said the doctors didn't know if he would pull out of this. This could be the end.

We spent the next few days praying that God let him pull through. My husband was flown home (though still 15 hours away from me) to Alabama to see his father. The next several days were nerve wracking.

All I could think was how 2011 had not been the year we had hoped it would be. And I prayed that 2012 would be better.

Last night, as I sat in my hospital room with a cup of sparkling grape juice, a paper tiara on my head and some gold and silver mardi gras beads around my neck, I thought about that night one year prior, when my husband and I had been so hopeful for the coming year. My husband and I had a conversation about our hopes and dreams for 2012. We talked about welcoming Lorelei into our lives and finally completing our family. Landon, Leila, and Lorelei. The three of them are everything we could have ever wanted. Even if things didn't happen the way we would have liked, we know now that there is a reason.

So then, all of a sudden, the clock struck midnight and 2012 was upon us.

And I do feel more hopeful. I am still pregnant with our sweet miracle, Lorelei. My husband's father is starting to improve little by little. And I have an amazing husband and son who inspire me to live and love every single day of my life.

Welcome to 2012. And welcome to my journey. A new journey for a new year. I don't know exactly what it holds, but I am excited to find out.

Happy New Year.

Virginia

Giving Thanks...

Though ideally I would have posted this yesterday, I still want to make a point to reflect on all of the amazing people and wonderful things I am thankful for.



More than anything, I am thankful for my family:

From my handsome, courageous husband who is currently defending our country

To my happy go lucky, fun loving little boy,

To my darling angel who is always watching over me,

To my sweet little Cupcake who is steadily growing within me.

And I am so SO thankful to be pregnant. To be 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant with a wonderfully active baby who I can't wait to hug and kiss and shower with love and affection.

My extended family deserves a mention as well. My mother, father, sister, brother, in-laws, and my grandparents... Especially my grandparents... All of them have done their best to encourage me and cheer me on when I have my little hormonal break downs...

Oh and let me mention my mother again... This woman has been a saint. She has put up with all of my doctor appointments (sometimes TWO in one week!!!), run my son to and from school every week, taken me out to do birthday and Christmas shopping and willingly pushed me in my wheelchair without complaint... She has let me cry and break down, chatter on and on with excitement, and allowed me to indulge in all of my crazy cravings without making too much of a fuss...

Mom: I love you so much. I am so very thankful that God gave me such a loving and supportive mother. Thank you for teaching me what kind of mother to strive to be... and sometimes reminding me what kind of mother NOT to be... (HA!!!!). All this quality time with you has been so precious to me. I don't know what I would do without you.

I am thankful for wonderful food. Great friends. Great online shopping sales. And peppermint...

Lots and lots of peppermint...

Peppermint ice cream, cool mint oreos, peppermint mocha coffee creamer, York peppermint patties, peppermint stick sugar cookies... I could go on forever... Oh I have been craving peppermint like you wouldn't believe...

Maybe it is because little girls are so sweet like peppermint...

Maybe that is why I have been craving chocolate and peppermint and sweet things constantly...

Because that is another thing I am thankful for:

The fact that God is blessing us with another GIRL!

Yes that's right... My sweet little cupcake is indeed, a GIRL!!

And I couldn't be happier.

She is constantly flipping around and kicking me just like her big sister. It is a wonderful feeling and I am so grateful for it!

So that about sums it up... I have a lot to be thankful for... And I am extra thankful to have lovely, kind hearted readers to share that thanks with... I am very thankful for each and every one of you. :)

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Rainbow Baby: Weeks 14-20

Hello, Blog world!

I apologize for my sudden and unexplained absence. I assure you, I am alive and well... but boy oh boy do I have a lot to tell you.

Let's see where I left off: I had just had surgery and was about to have my follow up appointment. At that follow up appointment I intended to talk to my doctor about potentially moving 2000 miles to a home where I would have more help with Landon and therefore be better able to follow my bed rest orders.

I asked my doctor how he felt about this, and he was all for it... With a catch: if I was going to move, I had to do it within a week. Waiting any longer would be dangerous for me and the baby because as the baby grows, more pressure is being placed on the cervix, which is exactly what we are trying to prevent.

So I went home, called my family, booked a flight and within a week I was waking up in Missouri to beautiful crisp fall mornings full of all the gorgeous colors associated with Midwestern falls.

Being home has had it's ups and downs for sure. The number one thing I love about being home is that my son is getting precious time with his extended family. He is developing an amazing relationship with his grandparents and great grandparents and he has been benefiting from that relationship in so many ways. He is learning how to better express his wants and needs to other people, he is learning how to be courteous and think of others' feelings, and he is learning our family's ways and traditions that have been so important to me all of my life. It has been a beautiful experience.

Is it stressful suddenly being back home and helpless? You betchya... but it is what I have to do to protect my growing baby, so that is what I am going to do!

Ok so now on to the pregnancy stats...

Weight: 174

Waist (at belly button): growing rapidly... don't have a tape measure at the moment

Hips: ^ same

Bust: ^ same

Total Weight Gain: 1 pound so far

Baby’s Heart Rate: Been staying at around 155-165, though occasionally it reads at about 145. All perfectly normal and healthy. :)

Number of times I get up in the night to pee: Oddly enough... some nights I get up 2 or 3 times, other nights it feels like a million... and then on a rare beautiful night/morning, I wake up to pee for the first time and look at the clock and it is 5:30...Then I smile and fix myself a bowl of cereal knowing full well that I won't be able to get back to sleep... ;)


Thoughts about growth: AMAZING! I have had many ultra sounds throughout this pregnancy and all have made it clear that this baby is HUGE. Cupcake is growing rapidly and is officially measuring 12 days ahead of my due date. This is an amazing thing for us, since he/she will most likely be early: those extra 12 days will benefit baby SO much! It is possible that I was mistaken when we conceived Cupcake.. though I charted my days and am pretty sure I know exactly when Cupcake was conceived.... Oh did I mention that I had the anatomy scan already and that I know the gender of Cupcake?... Well I do. And you will very soon. But I am making a special post for that. So patience my pets... patience.


How I am feeling emotionally: Helpless and in control simultaneously. Yup. It's a crazy paradox of feelings. Here's the deal: I feel like I have absolutely no control over my own life right now. I can't do anything that I "should" be able to do. I am supposed to lay around all day taking it easy and letting other people do things for me. That is VERY very hard. But I do the best I can. And then I have those days where I am on my feet way too many times getting things for myself or for Landon and I break down crying because I know that I am over doing it and I get scared that I am endangering Cupcake... And the in control part? This is the part I am proud of. I have been seeing an amazing team of doctors who have been working hand in hand with me to make decisions about how my pregnancy should go. After careful deliberation and research we decided that I will be on progesterone shots to try and prevent early labor, and I have been having frequent cervical checks to make sure Cupcake is okay and that my cervix is performing its job. I have also been very on top of questions and any type of inconsistency that concerns me. I have not bit my tongue once with this pregnancy, like I did with Leila's pregnancy. I speak my mind no matter how ridiculous, and I am so proud of myself for it. I feel like I am doing absolutely every thing I can to give this baby the absolute best opportunity for a healthy life. I get to meet the NICU doctors that will be taking care of Cupcake if he/she arrives prior to 34 weeks (which is very very likely) and tour the NICU next week. I have a list of questions a mile long. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel prepared in a situation that often times is absolutely impossible to prepare for. Yes there are still a lot of scary realities and uncertainties if Cupcake is as early as the doctors think he/she may be, HOWEVER, by doing constant research on up to date micro preemie treatments and meeting Cupcakes doctors, etc, it makes me feel like it won't be as scary as it was before.


How I am feeling physically: Exhausted. I did not get that "second wind" that people associate with the 2nd trimester. I wake up tired, and go to bed plain exhausted. I have had days where I am so tired I can't even lift my head up. I am not getting good sleep, and my muscles are sore and weak from constant bed rest.

Fetal movement: Lots and lots and lots of it. This baby is an ACTIVE little Cupcake. Constant kicking and flipping and jumping around. Right now Cupcake is kicking in rhythm with my typing... (okay so not really THAT rapid... but you get the idea). And Cupcake LOVES music. Any time I play music Cupcake dances like you wouldn't believe. I can't help but smile. This is such an amazing feeling.

Cravings: Not as much as I was before... It's more random and triggered by suggestion. The other night we went to McAllister's and suddenly I was craving a french dip sandwich covered in au jus... mmmm. (There was a picture on the menu... enough said). I see a commercial or hear a favorite menu item or restaurant name and suddenly that's what I crave... Oh and cereal with milk. Been craving that a lot. But honestly nothing as random or specific as I was in the beginning

What makes me want to hurl: Not as much!!!!!! Before it was like, every other thing... Now it is pretty much still hot lettuce (like on a warm sandwich... EWWWW) Other than that, nothing really bothers me. It's been almost a month since I threw up from being nauseous. My morning sickness is basically gone. This is the first time I have ever been without morning sickness in a pregnancy. It's incredible.
Oh wait. I just remembered, I threw up on the way to my anatomy scan on the 26th of October. That was horrible. But that was the last time. ;) Progress is progress!

Activity: Not much. Seriously. Just laying around. Getting up to pee. Occasionally I get to "go" somewhere, but I use a wheel chair and do not do any walking. Believe it or not, doing "nothing" is exhausting!

Doctor's appointments: I go once a week for my shot and they check the baby's heart and weigh me and ask how I am doing, and then every other week I have an ultra sound and a full appointment. I am now officially in the care of my specialist and have met a few of the OBs who may be delivering the baby.

Boy or Girl:.... Wouldn't you like to know?... Ha! ;)

Rainbow Baby: Week 13/14

13 Weeks Pregnant:

Weight: 170 pounds

Waist (at belly button): 35.5”

Hips: 43”

Bust: 38”

Total Weight Gain: -3 pounds so far

Baby’s Heart Rate: Found it with my doppler last night and it was 155 and SO perfect!

Number of times I get up in the night to pee: 2-3…

Thoughts about growth: I expect to start rapidly gaining because my activity is now down to zero as per doctor’s orders. I literally can only get up to pee and shower. It’s the most exhausting thing in the world, which I find completely ironic since all I can do is lie around and do nothing… But more about that later…

How I am feeling emotionally: I have been emotionally exhausted this past week. It seems like every day something else happens that taxes my emotions, but I am just handling everything one step at a time and trying to stay as calm and relaxed as possible.

How I am feeling physically: I notice that I have “contractions” when I get too worked up or stressed out, so calmness is definitely key. I talked to the doctor about these possible contractions and he assured me that they are probably just more or less my muscles stretching and tightening, and not actual contractions… I am not too worried yet because they aren’t regular like they were with Leila, but more or less I am just paying close attention to my body responses so that I don’t miss any important signs.

Cravings: Fried pickles. Jalapeno poppers. York Peppermint patties and pineapple juice… At the same time… Chocolate anything… Pumpkin anything…

Things that make me green: Still ground beef and red meat… And now, lettuce. Ugh. The thought of lettuce. I actually CRAVED a burger and then when I tried to eat it, it had lettuce on it… and I barfed. Yuck… I still like spinach but not as much as I did in the beginning… It’s mainly the light green/white iceberg type lettuce that makes me sick. And the smell... Oh yuck the smell. On the upside, I haven't ACTUALLY been getting as sick as I did with my other pregnancies. This is so foreign to me! I don't know if it's just a small lull in this pregnancy and then the sickness will pick back up, or if I am going to have a somewhat "normal" pregnancy and not be sick any more! I am excited to see what's in store for this pregnancy.

Activity: I am officially on bed rest. I had my surgery on Tuesday and my cervix was in worse shape than the doctor had thought. The doctor said that in all of his years of doing cerclages (which is at least 25 ish), that I have one of the worst he has seen… Originally he had said I would just need to be on light modified bed rest with limited activity, but after the surgery he decided that I need to be on complete bed rest for at least a week, only getting up to pee and shower. And then starting in a week or two, I can just begin to move around. Even then he wants me to keep it very minimal and no bending or lifting. This will have to continue until at least after the holidays. So three months of bed rest, and then we will see where I am at. As much as I hate to admit it, the doctor seemed like he didn’t expect me to make it as far as he had expected before. We are still aiming for at least 28 weeks, though of course I would be thrilled to go longer. My biggest goal is 36 weeks, because anything past that is very unlikely. My realistic goal is 32 weeks, though I pray every day that this baby can stay put until 36.

Doctors Appointments: My surgery was Tuesday, as I mentioned above, and before that I had an appointment on Friday. I got to see the baby on Friday and I have to say, he or she is absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the screen. Everything was right where it is supposed to be and looked perfect. I have another appointment next Thursday where they will check on the baby and make sure the stitches are taking well and that there aren’t any complications. So far I haven’t had any bleeding since the stitches were set so I think I am good to go.

Boy or Girl: Still leaning toward girl but occasionally I think boy… so I am going to be honest: I haven’t a clue!!! I was so sure with Landon and Leila, maybe this baby just wants to be a surprise! I think my birthday present to myself may be to find out early. I will be 15-16 weeks on my birthday, so the tech should be able to tell... but my doctor said they won't do an anatomy scan until 20 weeks, even though I have frequent ultrasounds!

Miscellaneous: Right now my sister is here taking care of me and Landon and I will be honest: I don't know what I would do without her! She is a life saver, literally. I had prepared about 15 casseroles before she came so that she wouldn't have to cook a lot, so I am going to be posting those recipes as well as some suggestions for where to find recipes to fill your freezer with meals! I have to be honest, it has been a blessing to know that dinner is taken care of!

Rainbow Baby: Week 12

12 Weeks Pregnant

Weight: 170 pounds

Waist (at belly button): 35.5”

Hips: 43”

Bust: 38”

Total Weight Gain: -3 pounds so far

Baby’s Heart Rate: Stays around the 160s

Baby is measuring 6 days ahead, so though according to my due date I am still 12 weeks, according to the baby's growth, I am 13 weeks tomorrow!

Number of times I get up in the night to pee: I had been staying pretty steady at 1-2, but last night I got up 4 times to pee, and downed an entire bottle of water each time…

Thoughts about growth: My belly is already starting to round out a bit. And my belly is already hard. It’s a wonderful feeling. I love rubbing my belly and knowing that my little Cupcake is probably squirming away from my touch, or doing flips in excitement. I am not surprised that my weight is starting to balance out:  I couldn’t eat at all for a while and now I finally can. And I have been eating a lot of carbs and sweets – comfort foods. So really, it’s no surprise I am starting to gain. Although, I have also been really sick the past couple of days, so I will find out for sure at my appointment tomorrow how much I weigh. Since I don’t have a scale, I just have to go by what I weighed at my last appointment… Which is semi accurate since I have an appointment almost every week!

How I am feeling emotionally: Doing better in the emotions department, though I still do weep a bit at random things. I have noticed that I am very easily let down these days. When something doesn’t work out as planned, I get a lot more upset than I normally would! I have also been very nostalgic lately. I look at pictures of Landon as a baby and I start sobbing!

How I am feeling physically: Still exhausted. I am doing better though. I have been taking naps each day when my son naps and it helps me get a second wind.

Cravings: Still craving lots of odd things. Spicy and sweet… And fruit. LOTS of fruit. And orange juice.

Things that make me green: Ground beef. Browning ground beef. Smelling browned ground beef. Red meat in general. Ugh…

Activity: Still trying to balance raising an active healthy toddler with limited activity to keep this baby safe. I am going to be on bed rest starting at 16 weeks. So I am really nervous about how that is going to go. Downright terrified, actually. I don’t know how to balance giving him the healthy activity he needs, while still laying horizontal to take the pressure off of my cervix. And I KNOW it’s going to be necessary, because I already feel the way I felt with Leila before I had her: like a bowling ball is pressing down on my cervix… I am nervous that the cerclage won’t work, so really our best bet is bed rest combined with the cerclage. If that means I have to be a bump on a log, I really don’t care what anyone else thinks, or how miserable and long my pregnancy is. If it’s for the health of my baby, then NOTHING is too much. Some people don’t get it, but then again, those are usually the people that have had healthy pregnancies and never faced a real threat like cervical incompetence or preterm labor. But all that matters is that I understand what I have to do, as a mother, to ensure my baby’s safety. I will not be that mom that doesn’t listen to the doctor’s orders and then loses my baby and goes “oh. Maybe I should have taken bed rest more seriously…” I will absolutely do everything in my power to keep this baby safe. No matter how hard that may be! I think I foresee a LOT of movies and Netflix in our future.

Doctor’s Appointments: I have one tomorrow, and had one last week. The doctor checked out the baby and did an ultrasound. Baby looks beautiful! So healthy and swimming around like he/she should be!

My surgery is coming up on the 20^th. I am nervous about it, but I know it’s the best shot we have at getting to the third trimester in this pregnancy. I am to at least make it to 32 weeks, but I would be thrilled to go further… Like 36 weeks!

Boy or Girl: Feeling a lot like I did with Leila now. So I am thinking girl. But I will find out soon enough, so I am just going to be surprised when I hear the news! I do still have this adorable vision of two little boys wearing matching outfits in my head… I would have a blast with that! And Landon would love a little brother!

Hello September!

Welcome to September everyone. It is hard to believe that this year is already winding down. Didn't we just celebrate New Year's?

I am pretty sure we did... Like yesterday... but alas, this year has been flying and when I try to sit back and think of all that has happened: all the good and the bad, it makes my head spin!

Here we are, September! Let's make the most of it!

So I have been slacking on tutorials and recipes lately.

I have a confession:

I lost my SD card so I haven't been able to take pictures of anything new... so I haven't been posting much.

I promise to correct this VERY soon....

I also promise to share more recipes with you. And I have a few awesome projects up my sleeve.

And of course, more pregnancy updates.

September is going to be quite a month for me... I have surgery coming up two weeks from today to place a cerclage in my cervix. This is supposed to help me carry my pregnancy further should my cervix try to open up again like it did with Leila.

And then after that I will be on the dreaded bed rest. So I will be sharing LOTS of posts with you guys. I promise to do the absolute best that I can!

I hope you are excited and looking forward to the next few months. I know I am!