Announcing...

Because no words seemed good enough to announce the long awaited and anticipated arrival of our precious Cupcake, Lorelei Marie Decker... I will let the pictures and incredibly imaginative and creative announcement, designed by my sister, Sarah Teubner, do the job. Above photo by Melissa Cox of Lifeshots Photography, announcement by Sarah Teubner.

1 day old... So perfect and snuggly.

1 week old... So smiley and sweet...

...and alert and curious.

1 month old... So loving and beautiful.

I have enjoyed every minute so far. And I can't wait to enjoy and explore every minute to come. Lorelei Marie, words can not express how much we love you, how deeply we longed for you, how absolutely in awe we are at you beauty and perfection. You came in to our lives as a rainbow: the promise of hope after the storm. Your perfection does not negate or erase the storm that came before you, but rather reminds us that the storm did happen, for some reason bigger than all of us, and that we survived, also for a reason bigger than us. You are that reason. You are our hope and sunshine. You are our reminder that good things can come out of tragedies, though it may not be easy to see at first.

After all, it is out of dark moments that flowers grow.

I love you Lorelei. Welcome to your world.

Rainbow Baby: Week 12

12 Weeks Pregnant

Weight: 170 pounds

Waist (at belly button): 35.5”

Hips: 43”

Bust: 38”

Total Weight Gain: -3 pounds so far

Baby’s Heart Rate: Stays around the 160s

Baby is measuring 6 days ahead, so though according to my due date I am still 12 weeks, according to the baby's growth, I am 13 weeks tomorrow!

Number of times I get up in the night to pee: I had been staying pretty steady at 1-2, but last night I got up 4 times to pee, and downed an entire bottle of water each time…

Thoughts about growth: My belly is already starting to round out a bit. And my belly is already hard. It’s a wonderful feeling. I love rubbing my belly and knowing that my little Cupcake is probably squirming away from my touch, or doing flips in excitement. I am not surprised that my weight is starting to balance out:  I couldn’t eat at all for a while and now I finally can. And I have been eating a lot of carbs and sweets – comfort foods. So really, it’s no surprise I am starting to gain. Although, I have also been really sick the past couple of days, so I will find out for sure at my appointment tomorrow how much I weigh. Since I don’t have a scale, I just have to go by what I weighed at my last appointment… Which is semi accurate since I have an appointment almost every week!

How I am feeling emotionally: Doing better in the emotions department, though I still do weep a bit at random things. I have noticed that I am very easily let down these days. When something doesn’t work out as planned, I get a lot more upset than I normally would! I have also been very nostalgic lately. I look at pictures of Landon as a baby and I start sobbing!

How I am feeling physically: Still exhausted. I am doing better though. I have been taking naps each day when my son naps and it helps me get a second wind.

Cravings: Still craving lots of odd things. Spicy and sweet… And fruit. LOTS of fruit. And orange juice.

Things that make me green: Ground beef. Browning ground beef. Smelling browned ground beef. Red meat in general. Ugh…

Activity: Still trying to balance raising an active healthy toddler with limited activity to keep this baby safe. I am going to be on bed rest starting at 16 weeks. So I am really nervous about how that is going to go. Downright terrified, actually. I don’t know how to balance giving him the healthy activity he needs, while still laying horizontal to take the pressure off of my cervix. And I KNOW it’s going to be necessary, because I already feel the way I felt with Leila before I had her: like a bowling ball is pressing down on my cervix… I am nervous that the cerclage won’t work, so really our best bet is bed rest combined with the cerclage. If that means I have to be a bump on a log, I really don’t care what anyone else thinks, or how miserable and long my pregnancy is. If it’s for the health of my baby, then NOTHING is too much. Some people don’t get it, but then again, those are usually the people that have had healthy pregnancies and never faced a real threat like cervical incompetence or preterm labor. But all that matters is that I understand what I have to do, as a mother, to ensure my baby’s safety. I will not be that mom that doesn’t listen to the doctor’s orders and then loses my baby and goes “oh. Maybe I should have taken bed rest more seriously…” I will absolutely do everything in my power to keep this baby safe. No matter how hard that may be! I think I foresee a LOT of movies and Netflix in our future.

Doctor’s Appointments: I have one tomorrow, and had one last week. The doctor checked out the baby and did an ultrasound. Baby looks beautiful! So healthy and swimming around like he/she should be!

My surgery is coming up on the 20^th. I am nervous about it, but I know it’s the best shot we have at getting to the third trimester in this pregnancy. I am to at least make it to 32 weeks, but I would be thrilled to go further… Like 36 weeks!

Boy or Girl: Feeling a lot like I did with Leila now. So I am thinking girl. But I will find out soon enough, so I am just going to be surprised when I hear the news! I do still have this adorable vision of two little boys wearing matching outfits in my head… I would have a blast with that! And Landon would love a little brother!

Rainbow Baby: 9 weeks

Thursday I was officially 9 weeks pregnant, though according to the ultrasounds I was 9 weeks on Tuesday.

Here are the updates:

Weight: 166 pounds
Waist (at belly button): 34.5”
Hips: 43”
Bust: 38”
Total Weight Gain: -7 pounds so far
Baby’s Heart Rate: Stays around the 160s
Number of times I get up in the night to pee: about 1-2

Thoughts about growth: I can’t believe I am ALREADY SHOWING! Seriously! I already have a little belly pooch! I didn’t show with Landon until about 6-7 months (though I would push my stomach out all the time because I wanted to look pregnant SO badly!). And with Leila I did not get too big before I had her…. I would say I started showing around 4 months with Leila… I am 9 weeks. NINE weeks…. And I have already had significant growth in the belly area, and my bust and hips are feeling the growth too. I am really not too worried about weight gain though, since I have already lost 7 pounds. I know the inches are going to shift and change and my body is going to do its thing, I am just surprised that it is already happening!!!!

How I am feeling emotionally: Still a big bag of tears. I cry at EVERYTHING. I cried at a commercial the other day… It wasn’t even sad. It was that Target commercial with the adorable teacher and the hamsters… Yeah. I cried at THAT. I have no clue why. I guess I miss my kids and my class at the CDC… but who knows… I cried because I wanted sushi and left the commissary without buying it, then I cried because I was crying over something stupid… I cried because my son peed in the potty and I was so proud of him, but then I felt so bad because Donovan isn’t here to witness him be such a big boy. I cried into my dinner because I wanted to eat it so badly and couldn’t. Then when I finally was able to take a bite, I cried because it was cold. I cried because I was afraid my mom was getting irritated with me calling all the time and crying to her (though she is VERY sweet about my 5+ calls a day. Hi, Mom!!! Thanks!). I cried because sad things happened to people I don’t know back home (but I always cry when things like that happen… I can’t watch the news without bawling…). The irritability has toned down a LOT and the weepy emotions have turned WAY up.

Today marks 7 months since Leila passed away. Normally I would spend the whole day in my PJs, sobbing and stuffing my face… But I am starting to do better with all of the grieving related stuff. I miss her so much, but I kind of feel like she is with me. I just have to remind myself that this baby is growing inside of me for a reason. If Leila had been healthy and full term we probably wouldn’t have this baby now. So I need to just take it one day at a time and remember that God has a plan.

I did have a particularly rough day a couple of days ago though. I was watching Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress, which always make me cry, and it hit me: I will never get to do those things with Leila. I will never get to help her pick out her dress and fix her veil and wipe her tears as she gets ready to give half her heart and the rest of her life to one man… I never even thought about those things before. I thought about all of the baby and child related events I would miss, but I never thought about her adult life… It breaks my heart, but I just keep reminding myself that she is still with me through it all.

How I am feeling physically: Exhausted. I am beyond exhausted. I am sick as a dog and can’t keep anything down. For the past 24 hours I haven’t been able to eat anything and keep it down. I have even been throwing up water. I have a chicken pot pie in the oven and I hope I am able to eat it! I get to the point where I am so exhausted and weak from throwing up that I can barely lift my head up. But even with all of this, I am not upset about it. It’s kind of comforting to have these symptoms. It means my baby is growing and thriving. I welcome each and every symptom that gets me one step closer to meeting my Rainbow Baby.

Cravings: I crave EVERYTHING. One minute it’s chocolate cake with rich decadent frosting by the spoonful, the next it’s figs filled with caramel or goat cheese, asiago stuff olives deep fried to a golden brown, jalapeno poppers and buffalo wings… I had an overwhelming craving for dates the other day and called my Nana for her famous date bar recipe… I can’t wait to make them and eat the whole pan! The only problem is, with all of these cravings, actually EATING is the hard part…

Activity: As per doctor’s orders I have stopped my daily walks with Landon. I really miss our walks and the fun that we have on them, but the doctor just feels that too much unnecessary activity isn’t worth it in my position. And I am not about to ignore any warnings he throws my way. I am still pretty active throughout the day though. It’s unavoidable with a hyperactive toddler. I still do normal things like go grocery shopping and running errands, and that obviously involves walking, so I am not exactly laying on the couch waving my hand around for a servant to do everything for me. And every day, at least once, Landon and I push the coffee table out of the middle of the floor and dance like crazy to some loud music. It’s our favorite part of the day! With Donovan deployed, I am forced to be pretty self-sufficient: taking care of Landon and the house and my business while still keeping the baby’s health in mind… So yeah, activity is as low as it can be while still living normally. I do realize that I am going to have to be on strict bed rest after the surgery, so I am going to start preparing for that soon: making casseroles to freeze and trying to get ahead on orders for my business…

Doctor’s Appointments: My most recent one went very well. I got to meet my new doctor: the one that will be performing my surgery. I really like him and his views a lot. He seems to feel the same way I do about this pregnancy and the upcoming surgery. I will be seeing him again next week and from then we will be scheduling my surgery. The biggest goal of the next appointment is to make sure that all of the old blood has absorbed or passed. I had some more bleeding recently so hopefully all of it has passed. If it doesn’t pass on its own, I won’t be able to have the surgery. I haven’t really considered that as a possibility yet. After what we went through with Leila, I can’t accept the idea of continuing this pregnancy without the cerclage. Hopefully everything proceeds without incident. I know I will be much more calm after the surgery.
Oh! Another update: I have the same thyroid issue I had with Landon. My thyroid isn’t producing enough so I have to be on medication to help it produce enough for me and the baby. It’s pretty common so it’s not that big of a concern. I just have to go in every now and then for them to monitor my levels and make sure I have a high enough dosage of the medicine. Other than that, I am not taking any medication. Just my thyroid medication and the prenatal. I don’t do nausea medication because it never helped before, so I just don’t see the point in taking an extra pill if it’s not necessary to the baby’s health. I can handle the nausea, even though it sucks.

Boy or Girl: Last week I was convinced it was a boy. Absolutely convinced. My pregnancy this time has reminded me a lot of Landon’s. But then all of a sudden I started having girl feelings… And last night I had this really weird feeling wash over me and something in my head was screaming “It’s a girl!”… So who knows? I have a feeling, either way, I will be completely surprised! I am just so excited to meet this little person growing inside of me.



There is the bump photo. And YES, Landon is trying to stick my charger in his ear.

Rainbow Baby

I read this quote today and thought I would share it with you:

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

A rainbow baby is a blessing given to a family after losing a baby in any way. It's the promise of hope and new life, second chances and a new beginning.

A family who has conceived after losing a child will never forget that child, but rather, will appreciate their children even more because they understand the deep pain of loss.

I read a poem today that touched me deeply.

The Dragonfly


Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!


~Author Unknown~

I found this fascinating. For one, I never knew that dragonflies were ever anything but dragonflies. Maybe that sounds silly, but I don't tend to question how insects reach their adulthood, unless if it's something I studied in grade school science, or just common knowledge. But it turns out, Dragonflies start life as larvae, which is normal, but their larvae are water dwelling insects known as nymphs. Then they undergo metamorphosis and become the adult Dragonfly.

Science aside, this poem speaks to me so clearly. Leila is that curious water nymph that crawled up the Lily stem to check things out on the other side - Heaven. But as she was making her way there (her struggle on Earth), she got weary and had to rest her eyes, and then God took her home to be with Him. When she awoke she was beautiful and had her angel wings and was healthy and perfect.

And she wanted to tell us that everything is okay. To come back and reassure us that she isn't gone for ever, that we need only wait until our journey takes us to her, but alas, angels aren't meant to live on Earth.

So we have to wait until it's our turn to climb the Lily's stem and be taken home to her.

And our beautiful rainbow baby? He or she is the reminder that Leila will never be far from us. Every laugh, every smile, every coo, every cry, every milestone: Leila will be right there. Watching us and waiting for the day, whenever that may be, that we will join her in Heaven.

To anyone who has ever lost a baby, and is expecting again: I hope this quote, and this poem, have offered you some comfort. I know they rang true with me.