I Think of Her...

There are very few moments when I don't think of her. Every time I look at Lorelei, I see bits of Leila. The dark hair, the feisty personality. The constant movement. Leila was always moving when she was alive. She was always throwing her limbs around like she was dancing. A tiny, tiny dancer.

Lorelei is a ball of fire. She is moving every second that she is awake. I often capture videos of her dancing to odd sounds that most would not interpret as music like the dog panting after coming inside, the faucet dripping, the washing machine in spin cycle, or even Landon laughing. She hears music that no one else can hear and she is always smiling. She is my little miracle and she reminds me of that every day.

But no matter how individual Lorelei's personality is, I will always think of Leila when I look at her. Before Lorelei was born, I was afraid that this would be a painful experience for me: to look at one child and think of another. I even worried it would be painful for Lorelei when she was older if she felt like I wished she was her sister or something like that. But honestly, it doesn't feel like that at all. It is a very complex, difficult thing to describe, but when I look at Lorelei, I feel hope. I feel love. I feel complete. I miss Leila every single day, but I feel her presence with us, as though she is always with her sister.


**Author's note 6/22/2015**

I wrote this over 2 years ago and for some reason, I never hit "publish". I am not sure why. But as I read this, 2 years later, I am smiling because I still feel exactly the same way, and Lorelei has only grown into a more precocious and outgoing little individual. She still marches to the beat of her own drummer - heck, she DANCES to that beat, wildly and without abandon. She has taught me so much about life and self acceptance. I have never met a little girl quite like my Lorelei.