The Knot In My Throat...

Last night Landon and I were video chatting my parents. He was being as cute as always. He loves to show off to anyone, but especially his grandparents!

Well Leila was mentioned. And whenever someone asks about baby sister, Landon always does the same thing. He throws back his head and points up.

This time was a little different... Landon pointed up, but then ran to the windowsill where I have three pictures of Leila resting. He carefully picked up the middle picture of her, which is my favorite because the frame says "SWEET BABY: wonder, hope, and dream of possibilities", and he ran back to the computer and held the picture up for them to see.

We all had tears in our eyes. He showed them the picture of his baby sister and said "My baby! My baby!" He pointed up and said "Baby night night." Then he kissed her picture and sat it down.

I had this lump in my throat the size of a golf ball as I swallowed and blinked through my tears. He never got to hold her. All my friends have these "big brother" pictures of their firstborns in the hospital holding their baby brother or sister. But I will never have that picture. Not of Landon and Leilani.

He loves and adores her so purely. There is no jealousy or selfishness in his love for her. He loved her as soon as we told him that Mommy was pregnant and in several months he would have a baby brother or sister. And when we told him that he was having a baby sister, we took him to the store and let him buy her a present. He bought her many things: a cute bunny blanket/stuffed animal, a stuffed Bunny he made at Build a Bear, a little stuffed dog. He adored her, and he never even got to meet her.

When I was still pregnant he would talk to her through my belly. He would give her kisses and tickle her, and even try to feed her through my belly button.

He was going to be the world's greatest big brother.

And he is...

But I wonder if he really knows it. Or if he thinks Leila is just this beautiful picture to look at.

This is probably one of the parts of my reality I struggle with the most. It has been so hard watching Landon and knowing that he never got to see her.

When laying Landon down for his nap today he hugged his glow-worm (which he carries around and calls Leila and says is "his baby") and asked for his baby. I told him he could talk to her and see her in his dreams. He popped his little head up so fast and said "My baby? Yeah?" I choked through the knot and my throat and said "Yes bubba. You can play with Leila in your dreams." He closed his eyes and smiled. I really hope he does. I hope he does see her and hug her and kiss her and play with her in his dreams. Then, when he wakes up and I kiss him and hug him tight, I will be hugging a little piece of her, too.